Hate junkie

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Chances are you are sitting on a comfy couch reading this. Your refrigerator is full of good, fresh food. Your heat is set at about 70 degrees but, that’s OK because if you get chilly you can just grab a heated throw and plug that in, right? If you feel under the weather, you can just call your doctor and have all your health needs taken care of. You are safe, warm and well fed. You are a valued member of your chosen religious organization. You have a home…a family…a life. On paper you are a good person living a good life. So, then why are you so afraid? I ask you that because we live in a society that is wildly addicted to marginalizing other human beings. American society marginalizes almost everyone who isn’t a wealthy white male. We marginalize everyone who doesn’t have white skin, anyone who is LGBTQ+, women, people living in poverty, homeless people, people with physical illnesses and people with mental illness, disabled people, single parents, overweight people just to name a few. Much of these marginalization efforts are born from propaganda being fed to us by capitalists who almost exclusively use fear to take all our money or politicians who’s only real goal in their intentional efforts to marginalize others, is to enrich their own lives and bank accounts. Fear is the biggest and most powerful of all human emotions. They know that. It’s not rocket science. It’s actually embarrassingly simple. They use you by harnessing your fear. You do their dirty work and they love that. It delights them to no end and they live much more lavish lives than you ever will.

When you marginalize others, it briefly elevates you…at least in your brain it does. It’s a scientific fact. You got a little burst of dopamine at the expense of another living, breathing human being. Someone you don’t even know. Someone you will never see, hear or touch. Someone with hopes and dreams and beauty. But, that hate gets you high and that feels so good to you. It feels good because it makes you feel a fleeting moment of power in your otherwise powerless life. It’s no different that the high you get from heroin. That is the ONLY reason you do it. You don’t even give a second thought to the fact that you’ve hurt someone you don’t even know. Ignoring the harm you cause doesn’t make the harm magically go away. The damage to the people you marginalize is still there and you don’t feel better about yourself in any type of sustainable manner. That high you get is fleeting. You need a constant supply of that “hate” to keep getting that high. Hate is your drug. Hate is fear. You are an addict. A hate junkie. The irony of the fact that you have become exactly what you despise most in the world, is forever lost on you. You lurk in the comment sections on social media and lay a path of destruction everywhere you go. You don’t care at all that one day one of your comments will be too much for someone to take and they end their life. You don’t care about the tears of their parents or other loved ones left behind. You won’t see it so it doesn’t matter to you. You think like a small child. All that simply because you hate yourself but don’t have the basic level of self awareness necessary to be able to see it. You might be sitting there thinking that I couldn’t possibly be talking about you! How dare I, right? But, if you find yourself constantly telling everyone else in the world how to live their lives, I can assure you I am talking about you. There’s no denying it. You…are a hate junkie and that is nothing to be proud of.

Being a Single Mom in America right now

I have had a pretty constant level of stress for many years. The title says ten years a single mom but, by now it has actually been almost 14 years. You get used to the constant level but, since the election it been me just dreading each and every morning because every day there is a new threat to life as we know it coming from the White House.

I had things to worry about before but, now it’s overwhelming. I worry about my healthcare, my Mom’s healthcare, my children’s education getting more and more out of reach for them. I worry about my job in healthcare. I worry about how badly people are going to suffer without healthcare.

I worry that the world now looks at this country with fear and disgust. I worry that the world doesn’t see that most of the people here are good people.

Prices are rising and my pay is not. My job is far less secure than it was a year ago. I am scared. I have NEVER been unemployed in my life!! My kids are both in college but, I am still their main support. I provide them with health insurance, a home, car insurance, cell phones, and a million other things I can barely afford. They need me in order to be able to obtain their own dreams. I think in horror how there may come a point where I just can’t do it for them anymore.

I am scared of what my children’s future will be. I have live through more than a few new administrations but, this is the only one that strikes genuine fear in my heart.

This is like a long, unending nightmare. I want my life back. I want to have some hope, some carefree moments. I am so sick of being terrorized by a bunch of politicians. This is not fair and it is not the country I love and know.

The Noise in My Head

A few weeks ago, I decided to take a drive. I told my daughter I was leaving and she asked me where I was going. I just told her I didn’t know but, I would have my phone on me and to call me if she needed me.

I found myself in a car with no gas so, my first stop was to remedy that situation. I got a large cup of coffee now knowing exactly where I was going to go. It was late afternoon so, I was worried I would miss it but, when I got to my destination the sun was still in the sky. The temperature was supposed to be dropping but, somehow it stayed at 74 degrees. I parked in the lot of a hotel we have been going to for over a decade. It is a gem of a place that is directly across from the beach. For as long as we have been going there the rates for a room have never changed. You just call Nick on his cellphone and book your room. He always asks for a credit card but, you know he isn’t writing it down because he has that hotel mostly for his own pleasure. For years, that man has made the impossible possible for me. He made it affordable for me, a single Mom, to stay in a place so close to the ocean. Nick will never know how much that meant to me.

There is a for sale sign in front of the hotel now, and that makes me sad. I get out of my car a scribble a note telling Nick that I would only be parked there for a short while knowing that he wouldn’t even bother to read it or be bothered that I parked there.

I cross the street and walk up towards the empty beach. The tourists are gone because it is November. The second I hit the sand, I can breath. All of the noise in my head disappears. I am at peace for the first time in so long. Going to the sea is magic for me. I need to go there more often.

The sun is setting. I sit in the sand and just take it all in. I close my eyes and the sound of the waves crashing is the only thing I hear. The few people who walk past say hello or just nod as if silently telling me that they are there for the very same reason. When you go to the sea in the off-season you don’t have to explain to anyone who is there, why you are there. It is like a secret club for those who know that when they are there, that their mind is free of the clutter.

I sit there and watch the sun set, feeling a sense of peace. I am not worried. I am not afraid. It is just me and the sea. There is nothing in this world that brings me such serenity. I wish I could just sit there forever but, the sun is setting and my life is calling me back. I make a promise to myself that I will go there with more frequency. I need that. I know I do. I feel stronger there. I need to feel that strength all the time but, I can’t quite figure out how to accomplish that.

As I walk back to my car, I feel sad but, at the same time energized. I have to go back to the noise in my head that no one else can hear.  I have to face the constant worries and fear that buzz around inside my brain. It’s funny how the sea takes that all away from me so effortlessly. I think about how need to trust someone in my enough to let them help me silence that noise. I think about how one of my biggest problems is being unable to allow someone in. I need to stop being so alone.

We Have To Believe

We have to believe in love.  We have to practice it every day, with our family and friends and with strangers.  Being a Nurse, has given me the honor of giving love as my profession.  To look into someones eyes and let them know that they are not alone is an honor.  It is an honor that I have embraced since 1987 when I passed my Nursing boards.

I have held the hands of the dying.  I have brushed away tears.  I have kissed so many foreheads and cheeks.  I have shed tears with my patients and their loved ones.  I have gone beyond the call of duty to let people know that there are selfless people in the world.  I have been the one to listen to the fears, regrets, and dreams that will never come true.  I reassure.  I comfort.  I touch their face with tenderness.  I help them let go.  I give them peace.  I tell the families of the love for them we have spoke of when they are gone.  I pass on the love to them with my eyes.  Those are the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced in my life.  To comfort the survivors with words of love that they will treasure forever.

It is my tiny contribution to the world.  It is my calling.

My reward is just knowing I made a difference.  There is no more beautiful feeling than that.  I will never be famous.  I will go unnoticed, except to those whose hearts I have touched.

Love is the answer.  I know this.

Love is the answer.

Bucket!

I just HAD to reblog this!!!!

It’s Not OK, Cupid

So, earlier I decide to expand my horizons a little and sign up on OK Cupid.  I go through their process of asking me a lot of questions…some of them very strange.  I am 10 minutes into it, without any real information on my profile other than my age, general location, and a picture and my email literally blows up!  I got over 30 emails within minutes.  I felt like a tiny goldfish thrown into a bowl full of piranhas!  It really was unnerving.

I begin to skim over the emails and most of them are from out-of-state.  Some from across the country and one from India.  They are all telling me how beautiful I am…OK…but, some of them are telling me what a wonderful person I am.  What?  You got that from a picture, did you?   One of the things I despise most about internet dating is the shallowness of it.  I hate being judged on my looks when I have so much more to offer.  I hate the chit-chat that goes along with the internet dating dance.  You can tell me anything you want.  I am a concrete thinker, as many Nurses are.  I can hear something but, I have to actually see it with my own eyes to believe it.  The more someone tries to tell me what a nice guy they are, the more suspicious I get.  The more I do my Nurse eye roll.  Why are you trying to sell yourself so hard?

I try so hard not to be so cynical but, in the face of what I experienced tonight how could I not be?  My best friend from High School tells me to lower my standards or I will be alone forever.  Is that really so bad?  I have a full life.  I have my kids, nieces, friends and family.  I love my career.  I tell my friend that I can’t lower my standards.  If I am not with someone who sees deep into my heart and knows my soul, I would much rather be alone.  When I ask someone why they love me the last thing I want to hear is, “Because, you’re pretty”.  I am too much of a thinker to be satisfied with that.  Been there, done that.  My feeling run deep.  I want a connection.  I need a connection.  Will I ever find it?  Who knows?  Will I live my life full of passion, love and unadulterated fun?  I already am.

I deleted my profile after 15 minutes.