Being a Single Mom in America right now

I have had a pretty constant level of stress for many years. The title says ten years a single mom but, by now it has actually been almost 14 years. You get used to the constant level but, since the election it been me just dreading each and every morning because every day there is a new threat to life as we know it coming from the White House.

I had things to worry about before but, now it’s overwhelming. I worry about my healthcare, my Mom’s healthcare, my children’s education getting more and more out of reach for them. I worry about my job in healthcare. I worry about how badly people are going to suffer without healthcare.

I worry that the world now looks at this country with fear and disgust. I worry that the world doesn’t see that most of the people here are good people.

Prices are rising and my pay is not. My job is far less secure than it was a year ago. I am scared. I have NEVER been unemployed in my life!! My kids are both in college but, I am still their main support. I provide them with health insurance, a home, car insurance, cell phones, and a million other things I can barely afford. They need me in order to be able to obtain their own dreams. I think in horror how there may come a point where I just can’t do it for them anymore.

I am scared of what my children’s future will be. I have live through more than a few new administrations but, this is the only one that strikes genuine fear in my heart.

This is like a long, unending nightmare. I want my life back. I want to have some hope, some carefree moments. I am so sick of being terrorized by a bunch of politicians. This is not fair and it is not the country I love and know.

The Noise in My Head

A few weeks ago, I decided to take a drive. I told my daughter I was leaving and she asked me where I was going. I just told her I didn’t know but, I would have my phone on me and to call me if she needed me.

I found myself in a car with no gas so, my first stop was to remedy that situation. I got a large cup of coffee now knowing exactly where I was going to go. It was late afternoon so, I was worried I would miss it but, when I got to my destination the sun was still in the sky. The temperature was supposed to be dropping but, somehow it stayed at 74 degrees. I parked in the lot of a hotel we have been going to for over a decade. It is a gem of a place that is directly across from the beach. For as long as we have been going there the rates for a room have never changed. You just call Nick on his cellphone and book your room. He always asks for a credit card but, you know he isn’t writing it down because he has that hotel mostly for his own pleasure. For years, that man has made the impossible possible for me. He made it affordable for me, a single Mom, to stay in a place so close to the ocean. Nick will never know how much that meant to me.

There is a for sale sign in front of the hotel now, and that makes me sad. I get out of my car a scribble a note telling Nick that I would only be parked there for a short while knowing that he wouldn’t even bother to read it or be bothered that I parked there.

I cross the street and walk up towards the empty beach. The tourists are gone because it is November. The second I hit the sand, I can breath. All of the noise in my head disappears. I am at peace for the first time in so long. Going to the sea is magic for me. I need to go there more often.

The sun is setting. I sit in the sand and just take it all in. I close my eyes and the sound of the waves crashing is the only thing I hear. The few people who walk past say hello or just nod as if silently telling me that they are there for the very same reason. When you go to the sea in the off-season you don’t have to explain to anyone who is there, why you are there. It is like a secret club for those who know that when they are there, that their mind is free of the clutter.

I sit there and watch the sun set, feeling a sense of peace. I am not worried. I am not afraid. It is just me and the sea. There is nothing in this world that brings me such serenity. I wish I could just sit there forever but, the sun is setting and my life is calling me back. I make a promise to myself that I will go there with more frequency. I need that. I know I do. I feel stronger there. I need to feel that strength all the time but, I can’t quite figure out how to accomplish that.

As I walk back to my car, I feel sad but, at the same time energized. I have to go back to the noise in my head that no one else can hear.  I have to face the constant worries and fear that buzz around inside my brain. It’s funny how the sea takes that all away from me so effortlessly. I think about how need to trust someone in my enough to let them help me silence that noise. I think about how one of my biggest problems is being unable to allow someone in. I need to stop being so alone.

My Greatest Accomplishment

The last year has been one of milestones in my house. My son turned 21 today and is in an advanced BioChem degree program at a University with only one more year to go until he gets his Bachelors degree….he has plans to continue after onto his post Graduate degree and I could be more excited and proud of him. He is so focused and mature for his age.

My beautiful daughter graduated high school last June and is now attending college. She is trying to figure out where her studies will take her and I know she will figure it out and devise a plan for her future, just as her brother has.

My dream of a good education for my children is coming true. As a single Mom, I have managed to support them to spread their wings and fly. I honestly couldn’t ask for more. Thankfully, Not having their Dad in their lives has not stopped them.

My Daughter voted in her first election this past November. She was excited to do so and that thrilled me! She has been talking about running for office someday and I could see her doing just that. She is formidable for a girl of just 18 years of age. I can’t imagine who she will be at 30, my little girl is fierce!

So, somehow I managed all alone to raise a son who is wildly intelligent, respectful, kind, and loving. I raised a daughter who is also wildly intelligent, fierce, kind, and loving. Sometimes, I feel as if in doing that I have depleted myself but, it feels worth it to see them now.

I look forward to what the future will bring them. I look forward to the graduations, weddings, grandchildren that may come my way. I plan to support them in their lives for as long as I live and beyond that. They are my legacy.

I am incredibly proud of both of them. I need to work on feeling that same pride in myself for helping them beat the odds that were stacked against them living in a single parent household. I really need to work on that.

Getting old is EXPENSIVE! Bifocals-$800!!

The DMV….A Test Of Love

My son has a horrible car.  There is so much wrong with it that we don’t know what we would fix first,  if we had the money.  He works evenings and I can’t sleep until I know he made it home.  It is a cause of a great deal of stress for both of us.  I was waiting to get my tax return to buy him a car that is safer.  We were hoping it would last another few months.

My Dad bought a new car and gave my son is old car.  My dad takes care of cars better than anyone I have ever known….He still has the car that he had when I was a kid and it’s in perfect condition.  We were thrilled, to say the least!!

I wanted to get it registered before the holiday weekend because I knew how excited my son was to have his car so, one day after work last week I went to the DMV with a fist full of documents and my checkbook.  The place was packed as usual but, it didn’t seem like I would have to wait anymore than the obligatory two hour wait we usually endure.

As I sat there, I began to hear people talking about how they had been there waiting five hours!  At first, I thought they were exaggerating but, the more I listened, the more I heard the five hour wait story.   I texted my son to tell him to make sure his sister had dinner thinking I would be home shortly after dinnertime.  I eventually realized that it would be longer than that.  I ended up waiting four hours and forty-five minutes!

I left my house that morning at five Am and did not get home until after seven thirty at night!  It was crazy even for DMV standards!  I ended up getting to know a whole group of people who were sitting around me.  I met a guy who just arrived in Connecticut from Puerto Rico to start a life with is girlfriend….a Vietnam Veteran and his daughter who lived a few houses from where I grew up….an older couple who were on their second trip to the DMV after the first time they were informed they did not have all their papers in order and a man who used to own an infamous strip club in my hometown.  We all talked and laughed while we waited…it made the time go by faster!

In a moment of quiet reflection, I realized that I wasn’t upset or distressed by the wait.  I had totally accepted that I would have to sit there for five hours and that was OK because I was doing it for my son.  He texted me saying how sorry he was that I had to wait so long.  I texted him back and said not to worry because that is what a Mom does.  It is funny the things I will do, without complaint, for my children.  It is amazing to feel that kind of love for two people.  If the DMV can’t make me forget how deeply I love my children…nothing can!

I wouldn’t trade being a Mom for anything.

Before Bed Worry Time

I can’t sleep, as usual.   I worry, even though worrying does more harm than good.

My kids are ready for a new school year and all I see is them drifting away towards their own lives….their own path.

I have a juggling act going on in my head as to how I will stay above water…..pay those bills looming over my head…following me everywhere.  

How do you unclutter your mind alone?

How do you find peace in an unpeaceful world?

Do something nice for a single Mom.

Give her a moment of peace so, she can feel free from her own mind.

Fierce

The other day I was talking to my 16 year old daughter.  She was telling me that she was watching the series Scandal on Netflix.  She was telling me how much she liked the show and then she said, “Mom, I want to grow up to be ‘fierce’ like the main character on Scandal”.

That comment alone made me realize that I raised my girl right.  She doesn’t know it yet but, she already is fierce.

I love that girl.

Watch out world….my Daughter is coming.

My Amazing, Loving, Beautiful, Daughter

One day, when I was going through a particularly difficult time my daughter downloaded this song to my phone.  I listened to it and cried the whole time.  My daughter is one of the most loving, protective, kind young lady that I have ever known.

I still cry every time I hear this song.

This song will always hold a special place in my heart.

The three of us, my Son, my Daughter, and I are one heck of an amazingly loving family.

Hillary Clinton…..A Tribute To Her Mom and All Moms

10,000 Cherry Tomatoes

My garden has been such a motivating project for me.  I go out there each day and weed, water and tend to it.  It gives me a sense of purpose and something to look forward to.  No matter how tired and worn out I feel after a day of work, I go out there and find my peace.  My job is mentally and emotionally draining so, having that sense of accomplishment to come home to each day when I discover another cucumber or pick my green beans, lettuce and cherry tomatoes makes me feel good.  My son works second shift and works hard so I feel good leaving him a big salad without pesticides that I have grown, to eat when he gets home.  I am learning more about gardening that I ever have by watching YouTube videos.  I have even bigger plans for next year’s garden.  I have never grown a garden and have a very hard time keeping plants alive.  I am in awe that my garden is producing so many vegetables!

My life for the last ten years has been survival mode.  I am a single Mom and I have made it through some pretty horrific times and never quit.  I have worked and raised my children and nothing else.  I have used every bit of energy to do just those two things.  I am raising two children completely on my own.  They are now older and doing better than anyone ever expected.  Seeing me doing something with a passion makes them happy.  They giggle at me when I act overly excited that I found a cucumber growing under some leaves but, I know it makes them happy to see me happy.

I am finding me again.

I am remembering that I am a force to be reckoned with.

I am showing my children that no matter what happens in life, no matter what deep hole you find yourself in, you can crawl and claw your way out and stand tall.

I am a fighter.  I am a survivor.  I am back.

All because of a garden.