Invisible Grief

After I had my son, I was eager to have another baby.  I loved being a Mother and wanted another little one.  People give birth every day but, when I carried my son for 9 months and gave birth to him, held him and cared for him I felt like a Goddess.  There is no life experience that can top giving birth.  It was amazing.  The second I knew I was pregnant with him my whole life changed.  I was fully blown away that I carried a tiny life inside me….he was never far from my thoughts from day one and remains there to this day.

We started trying a year after he was born.  I became pregnant within a couple of months and began loving that baby immediately the same way I did with my son.  I began to daydream about my future with this baby…thinking of names…wondering if it was a boy or a girl.  I was thrilled.

At 12 weeks I began to bleed.  I felt like I was in shock.  I was in denial.  I kept telling myself my baby would be fine.  When I went to the Doctor and he couldn’t detect a heartbeat I went numb.  I called and told my then husband.  I went home to my son and held him.  We had told everyone I was pregnant and now, we had to tell everyone we weren’t.  It was like the dream I was in came to a screeching halt.  I took a week off from work and didn’t answer the phone or the door.  I just focused on taking care of my son…..he was one…he had no idea.  He was the only person who I didn’t have to talk about it to.

The loss was so deeply personal.  I didn’t want words of encouragement.  I didn’t want to be held.  I didn’t want to be comforted.  There was no way anyone could understand the depth of my grief.  I was grieving a little person that no one had ever met.  I was grieving a tiny life that only I knew.

After about a week, I was able to return to life.  My family was angry because I didn’t let them in….I just couldn’t.  I needed time to grieve by myself.  I went back to work and had to tell people that I had lost my baby.  One person told me to get a dog.  A lot of people don’t understand the loss felt by miscarriage.  It is difficult to understand losing something that never really was.

I went on to lose two more pregnancies after that and those losses were a little easier.  When I finally got pregnant with my daughter, I was terrified I would lose her.  I gave birth to her on the Fourth of July.  I didn’t find out the sex of either one of my babies because I believe that to be one of life’s greatest and most wonderful surprises.  When the Doctor told us it was a girl and handed my beautiful Daughter to me I had no name picked out.  After my first miscarriage I stopped planning so much.

I took one look at her, and knew her name would be Katherine.  She was strong, beautiful, regal  and still is to this day.  ,

My feelings of love I felt with each one of my pregnancies the moment I found out I was pregnant was deeply personal.  Carrying a baby is the most amazing feeling in the world.  I cherished every second of it.  I cherish every second I now have with those two beautiful people I gave life to.

So, to all those beautiful women out there who have lost their babies to miscarriage I send love and understanding.  You feel so alone in that particular form of grief but, you are not.  Your grief is real.  Reach out and let someone hold you.  Cry.  Feel what you need to feel.  Let people love you.  They may not understand but, let them love you.