We Have To Believe

We have to believe in love.  We have to practice it every day, with our family and friends and with strangers.  Being a Nurse, has given me the honor of giving love as my profession.  To look into someones eyes and let them know that they are not alone is an honor.  It is an honor that I have embraced since 1987 when I passed my Nursing boards.

I have held the hands of the dying.  I have brushed away tears.  I have kissed so many foreheads and cheeks.  I have shed tears with my patients and their loved ones.  I have gone beyond the call of duty to let people know that there are selfless people in the world.  I have been the one to listen to the fears, regrets, and dreams that will never come true.  I reassure.  I comfort.  I touch their face with tenderness.  I help them let go.  I give them peace.  I tell the families of the love for them we have spoke of when they are gone.  I pass on the love to them with my eyes.  Those are the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced in my life.  To comfort the survivors with words of love that they will treasure forever.

It is my tiny contribution to the world.  It is my calling.

My reward is just knowing I made a difference.  There is no more beautiful feeling than that.  I will never be famous.  I will go unnoticed, except to those whose hearts I have touched.

Love is the answer.  I know this.

Love is the answer.

The True Story of Today in America

Beautiful post about Christianity……..and I’m an Atheist!

john pavlovitz

We all have stories we like to tell ourselves; narratives we create to frame the world around us.

Those stories often help cushion the blows and soften the impact when things around us are too frightening, too disorienting, too difficult for our minds to deal with.

These stories are often largely well-crafted fiction, born out of fear and desperation, and the sense of something slipping quickly through fingers: control.

Many scared Christians were telling stories today.

In the wake of the Supreme Court’s ruling on Marriage Equality, the spin began simultaneously. As explosive, jubilant waves of long-delayed celebration broke out across the country and the world, the storytellers went to work hastily drafting sensational, concise headlines that might reconcile the unthinkable in front of them:

The Devil is celebrating the death of Marriage.
Christianity is fully under attack.
Gay people have tainted our Christian Nation.
God is preparing His wrath for America.

These stories are a…

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My Gary #LoveWins

When I was 16, I met Gary.  He had a wicked sense of humor and me and my three sisters immediately fell in love with him.  He had a way of making me laugh when my life was in a shambles and listening when I needed him to.  As we got to know him, we found out that he did not know his biological Dad.  His Mom was a hardworking loveable woman who was openly gay so, Gary always lived a life filled with the love of many of his Mom’s lesbian friends.

Our friendship lasted through the years with so many good memories and laughter and loving support.  When Gary was 30 he sat me down to tell me something serious.  He told me he was gay with a terrified look in his eyes.  My response was to giggle and tell him that we all already knew.  The thought that even before he told us, we accepted him with open arms, made our friendship even stronger.

Our lives went on….marriage…kids.  Gary found the love of his life and called him his husband long before the conversation of gay marriage came up.  He wore a beautiful ring on his ring finger that he received on a cruise to Italy.  He was happy and in love.

About 7 years ago Gary died suddenly.  The void in my life will never be filled.  He was one in a million.  I think of him often and miss him terrible.  I cried today with the news of the supreme court decision.  I wish he was here to celebrate.

Love wins, Gary…..Love wins!

A Soft Place to Land

My Grandmother died when I was 12.  The years after that were pretty bad for my sisters and I.  My Grandmother was the gatekeeper for us kids.  She protected us…..from our parents.  When she died I remember sitting at her wake staring at her willing her to just get up, as if my 12-year-old self knew that my days of being protected, taken care of were over.  The next day at her funeral, I remember crying my eyes out at the cemetery during the service.  Not one adult at that service offered me any comfort whatsoever.  I was alone in the world from that day forward.  I distinctly remember understanding that.  What a thing for a little girl to process.  It changed me forever.

I now have a bad habit of not letting anyone take care of me, even when I need it.  The day my Grandmother died was the last day in my life I’ve had a soft place to land.  I have friends…very good friends but, I will never let them do anything to take care of me.  I give people the impression that I can handle anything so, they never ask if I need help.  That’s not good.  I know that but, I can’t undo what’s been done.  No matter how hard I try.  I am fiercely independent.

My Grandmother gave me the gift of loving and protecting my kids fiercely.  They will never have to endure anything without my embrace, without knowing that my love for them is without condition.  I would spend my last dime to help them now and when they grow older and have their own families.  My Grandmother taught me how to be that soft place to land for someone and I am forever grateful for that.

But, I do want a soft place to land.

Sad News

I just came across this and read Rara’s and her husband’s blogs and am beyond words to express my sadness for these two people that, until now, I have never known. Please reblog and send love to Rara.

The Matticus Kingdom

I have terrible news to share with the blogosphere today.

Horrible, no good, awful news.

Many of you knew him as Grayson Queen, author and artist extraordinaire.  Perhaps you’ve read one of his novels.  Perhaps you’ve purchased, or at least enjoyed, some of his paintings or sculptures…  Perhaps you knew that he was also Rara‘s husband, Dave.

I don’t have a lot of details, but I can confirm that Dave passed away earlier this week.

Please share this post wide and far.  Please say a prayer for Dave and Rara.  Please send her every ounce of spare energy you can muster.  She needs us.  Dave’s family and friends need us.

And send her mail to show her your love, your RawrLove:

Radhika Jaini WF0124
CIW LA 249 UP
16756 Chino-Corona Road
Corona, CA  92880

You don’t need to know what to say.  You don’t need to say anything…

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Sending Love Around the World

One of the things I love most about blogging and WordPress is the map on the stats page.  I look at it every day and see that people from all over the world have somehow found my blog and read something I have written.  It literally thrills me to see countries on that map who are from countries that do not necessarily like Americans.  I secretly hope that something that I write touches their heart and makes them realize that there are people out there in this big world who only want peace and love for everyone.

When I see all the horrible things people in our world have to endure, it breaks my heart.  I cry for those who are hungry, homeless, cold, stuck in a war zone….I wish I could help each and every one of them.  I cry for the young people who are being used to promote violence and terrorism….their childhoods torn from them.  The families torn apart by war.  Young girls sold into the sex trade.

I wonder what we are becoming to let all of these terrible things happen.  I worry for the future of the world.

This is what I want people from around the world.  If every single person did one good thing to help another each day, the whole world would change.

It would be my hope that the few words I have written here would move one person to open their heart to another.

Invisible Grief

After I had my son, I was eager to have another baby.  I loved being a Mother and wanted another little one.  People give birth every day but, when I carried my son for 9 months and gave birth to him, held him and cared for him I felt like a Goddess.  There is no life experience that can top giving birth.  It was amazing.  The second I knew I was pregnant with him my whole life changed.  I was fully blown away that I carried a tiny life inside me….he was never far from my thoughts from day one and remains there to this day.

We started trying a year after he was born.  I became pregnant within a couple of months and began loving that baby immediately the same way I did with my son.  I began to daydream about my future with this baby…thinking of names…wondering if it was a boy or a girl.  I was thrilled.

At 12 weeks I began to bleed.  I felt like I was in shock.  I was in denial.  I kept telling myself my baby would be fine.  When I went to the Doctor and he couldn’t detect a heartbeat I went numb.  I called and told my then husband.  I went home to my son and held him.  We had told everyone I was pregnant and now, we had to tell everyone we weren’t.  It was like the dream I was in came to a screeching halt.  I took a week off from work and didn’t answer the phone or the door.  I just focused on taking care of my son…..he was one…he had no idea.  He was the only person who I didn’t have to talk about it to.

The loss was so deeply personal.  I didn’t want words of encouragement.  I didn’t want to be held.  I didn’t want to be comforted.  There was no way anyone could understand the depth of my grief.  I was grieving a little person that no one had ever met.  I was grieving a tiny life that only I knew.

After about a week, I was able to return to life.  My family was angry because I didn’t let them in….I just couldn’t.  I needed time to grieve by myself.  I went back to work and had to tell people that I had lost my baby.  One person told me to get a dog.  A lot of people don’t understand the loss felt by miscarriage.  It is difficult to understand losing something that never really was.

I went on to lose two more pregnancies after that and those losses were a little easier.  When I finally got pregnant with my daughter, I was terrified I would lose her.  I gave birth to her on the Fourth of July.  I didn’t find out the sex of either one of my babies because I believe that to be one of life’s greatest and most wonderful surprises.  When the Doctor told us it was a girl and handed my beautiful Daughter to me I had no name picked out.  After my first miscarriage I stopped planning so much.

I took one look at her, and knew her name would be Katherine.  She was strong, beautiful, regal  and still is to this day.  ,

My feelings of love I felt with each one of my pregnancies the moment I found out I was pregnant was deeply personal.  Carrying a baby is the most amazing feeling in the world.  I cherished every second of it.  I cherish every second I now have with those two beautiful people I gave life to.

So, to all those beautiful women out there who have lost their babies to miscarriage I send love and understanding.  You feel so alone in that particular form of grief but, you are not.  Your grief is real.  Reach out and let someone hold you.  Cry.  Feel what you need to feel.  Let people love you.  They may not understand but, let them love you.

Racism in America

This video CANNOT be shared enough!!!

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

I was nominated for this award by the courageous Betternotbroken and I thank you, my Dear, from the bottom of my heart.  You ARE a true inspiration!!

http://betternotbroken.com/2015/04/09/happy-to-be-nominated-and-even-happier-to-pass-on-the-love-a-very-inspiring-blogger-award/

Three things that INSPIRED me this week-

1. I have a duck couple in my backyard stream and will be thrilled to observe a group of tiny ducklings following mommy around learning about life and how to survive…Motherhood is amazing!

2. I have a somewhat rocky relationship with my Mom but, called her twice this week just to say hi and i think it made her broken heart feel a little better,,,I will write a blog soon about that relationship.

3. My BEAUTIFUL children inspire me constantly!

I can only hope that my words inspire someone out there.  I have been through a lot of very difficult times and always seem to land on my feet…..life always seems to get better!

All of these blogs are well worth following…..they will make you laugh, learn and cry…follow them!!

I nominate-

Ritu because she is a beautiful human being and has so much to offer this world….her posts always leave me with a smile on my face!

https://butismileanyway.wordpress.com/

Dr Michael Langan for his tireless work in helping others….I know you won’t respond…I just wanted to let you know!

http://disruptedphysician.com/

This woman for making it through some pretty tough times and having the courage to write about it in an honest, open way (and she swears a a lot so that’s a plus in my book lol)

http://eerilycheerily.com/

Mark….an amazing writer and always has an encouraging comment for me-

http://markbialcak.com/

For her tireless education and exposure of the broken medical system we all have to deal with at one point or another.

https://painkills2.wordpress.com/

Just call me MAD

When I was first divorced my children’s Father was involved in their lives.  They had a positive relationship but, all that ended when their Father met his second wife.  Their relationship with their Father slowly deteriorated until there was nothing left.  About seven years ago, they stopped spending time with him at all.  It was their decision and I can’t say I wasn’t happy about it because, having them come home crying after each visit and telling horror stories about how they were treated broke my heart in a way I never thought possible.  Their Father did nothing to repair their relationships, even with my urging and guidance.  It was easier for him in his home life not to have a relationship with them.  Deciding to pick another person over his own children is something I will never understand.  To this day he lives a life without the worry, interaction, love, or relationship with his own children.  It’s as if he never had children.  All is left up to me.

So, now I am put in the position of being not one person to my children, but two.  I had to be Mom and Dad.  I had to raise two young people completely on my own.  There is no manual on how to be a Mom, you just have to learn that alone the way.  Now, I had to figure out how to be a Dad, too.  Things went well until those adolescent years crept up on me.  My son was the oldest so, the first to enter adolescence.  I will not go into detail but, boy did he challenge me!  At every turn I was dealing with something new in addition to dealing with the simple difficulty of single parenthood.  I relentlessly worked hard to guide him into a better direction than the one he was going.  I think the key was to somehow make him feel like it was his idea to make better decisions.  His sister was helpful in that she is a take charge person and sometimes acted older than him and would call him out on his bad behavior.  He valued her opinion so, it did help.  During that time I searched and searched for someone to mentor him…sadly,no one was interested so, I was left on my own.  We got through that time and he is now a great kid.  He is on the deans list at college and a hard worker.  He is the kind of son any parent would be proud of.

My daughter is now 15.  She is the easier one, in that, her love for education keeps her driven.  The worst thing I get from her is a scowl or an eye roll when I as a simple question like, “how was your day”?  I can live with that and I know it is just a phase…..I remember not wanting to talk to ANYONE in my family when I was her age so I cut her slack.

I am not going to say any of this was easy.  I have had many sleepless nights and enough worry for 5 lifetimes but, I tried to keep my head on straight as much as I could and be Mom and Dad.  I am thankful for things like youtube because when my son began to grow facial hair I had literally no idea how to help him….thanks to youtube he looks handsome and fashionable…..I can’t imagine the results if I was the one to teach him!

At one point my daughter started calling me MAD….not because I was angry or because I was acting insane but, because I was both Mom and Dad to her….she recognized that all on her own.

Having to be two people does have its downside especially with dating…..there’s just no time.  I had to do the work of two people and not a lot of men understand that, which is fine with me because my children were literally afraid that I would find someone, get married, and he would be mean to them like their Step-mother.  In a way, I didn’t date much because they had been through enough.  I didn’t want to cause them any more stress than they had already been through.  It is a sacrifice I will never regret.   We had this beautiful three person family where they felt safe and loved.  It worked for us.

I am so proud of the people my Children have become.  I love every second I am with them.  I love talking to the about their goals and their plans for their future.  I will never stop being there for them.  They will never be alone…even after I am long gone….I will be in their hearts…in the kindness they possess….in the love they give to others….in the strength they have to get through the hard times…..I will be there.

Yes, I am crying….sometimes love makes you cry…..it’s as if my heart has grown so filled with love for them that it has tripled in size and is squeezing the tears out of my eyes..it’s a good kind of crying.

I never imagined I could love anyone as much as I love my children.