Ten years ago, I pulled my car into my garage, shut the garage door and sat there. I was going through the toughest time in my life and felt alone and despondent. As I sat there, car running, I began to think about all that was going wrong in my life, a horrible and prolonged divorce, abusing narcotics given to me by my Doctor and subsequently, being caught diverting narcotics from my job as a Nurse and facing arrest and possible loss of my Nursing license, how I felt like a failure as a human being, a Nurse and a Mother. Failing my profession by what I had done was devastating. Failing my children was beyond devastating. I felt so low that I didn’t feel like I could face any of these thing nevermind, overcoming them. I felt isolated from the world, my family and my friends. I was left alone constantly in my thoughts of self-hatred and failure. I didn’t feel I had another ounce of strength in me to go on. There was no helping hand to pull me out of my despair only, people pushing me further into it. Quietly going to into a forever slumber in my car that night felt almost comforting. The nightmare I was in would end…..for me.
My thoughts turned to my children, my then 5-year-old daughter and my 7-year-old son. They would be the ones to come home the next morning and search the house for their Mommy. They would have found me in that garage. They would have been destroyed by what I had done. I shut off the car and walked into the house. I still didn’t have a plan on how to get through all I needed to get through but, held on by the tiny thread that connected me to life….my children.
Dragging myself out of the nightmare that was my life at that time was no easy task. It literally took years. The drug abuse part was easy. I stopped the moment I was caught. The rest was not so easy. I remember one phone conversation I had shortly after that night with a Lawyer who assisted Nurses who had diverted narcotics from work. Sensing my despair and knowing that same despair from other Nurses she had dealt with gave her the insight to say six words that literally saved my life. She said them over and over during our short conversation. They were, “You are going to be OK”. It was the only kindness and compassion I had received from anyone during that time. As I began to attempt to climb out of the giant hole I was residing in, my mind kept going back to those words and the simple truth in them. The tiny steps I took slowly became larger steps. It was a long process and there were times that I felt like giving up but, those words kept resurfacing in my thoughts like a tiny seed that had taken root in my mind.
That seed eventually took root firmly and I began the long process of healing. I sought out the help that I desperately needed which is no easy task for a Nurse. Nurses are the help. It is frowned down upon by our profession to be the Nurse who needs the help. The giant hole I found myself in still felt insurmountable but, each tiny step I too brought me closer to the surface. Eventually, I saw the light at the top and the tiny steps I was taking became larger. I regained my confidence and my will to live. I slowly began to see that I, indeed, had a lot to live for. I will never say any of it was easy but, I will say the effort was well worth it.
Since that time, my life has had its difficulties. I now am able to recognise when I am falling into a place where I need help. I have learned how to reach out to my friends and family and the professionals I rely on. My mind no longer falls into thoughts of ending my life. I have learned that no matter how difficult life gets, that if you just wait it out and reach out to others, that life gets better. It may not be perfect, but it gets better….liveable.
I’ve learned the value of who I am, in spite of my glorious imperfections. I have learned my value as a Mother and that you don’t have to be that perfect soccer Mom to raise amazing children….all you have to do is be that loving Mom who makes her kids feel safe and loved unconditionally.
My drug abuse issue has made me a better, more compassionate Nurse. I am able to identify with my patients suffering from addiction in an amazing, non-judgmental way that is incredibly therapeutic to them.
I have learned that I am human. I make mistakes and that’s OK.
Ten years later, I never think about suicide as an option no matter how dire the problems I face in life. The one guarantee I have learned about life is, that no matter how bad things seem at any time, it always gets better.
I have experienced some of the most joyous moments since that night in my car 10 years ago. Those moments invariably made sweeter by my decision, at that time, to continue to live. I appreciate life on a deeper level. I cherish the people I love. I cherish myself.
So, anytime you are feeling low, stop, take a deep breath and hear these six words, “You are going to be OK”. Reach out to someone. Put out your hand and let someone grab hold of it and don’t let go because I promise you that you will never regret moving forward to see that day, when you too, will feel joy again.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
10 Years a Single Mom 