The Core of My Strenth

 

 

I often wonder how I keep moving forward.  I have a job that exposes me to an enormous amount of pain and suffering.  I went through a horrifying divorce that lasted 1.5 years.  During my divorce, my Dad had prostate cancer, my Step-Mother had breast cancer, and my ex mother-in-law had breast cancer.  I felt like a jerk to even think of talking to them about my bad divorce while they both faced cancer.  I am a single Mom with virtually no support from my family.  I was literally dragged through hell by a lot of people when I abused prescription narcotics as a result of severe depression almost a decade ago….I contemplated suicide because of that.  I lost friends because of that…lots of them.  During all this, the economy went bad resulting in me being someone who lived comfortably on my salary, to someone struggling to buy food.  My kids Father virtually abandoning them despite living 3 miles away.  The pain they have felt as a result of that…..I feel every ounce of it.  That is just a brief summary of my life in the past 10 years…there’s so much more that I have gone through.

I have picked myself up more times than I can count.  How I keep getting up astounds even me.  I feel like I have been in fight mode for 10 years.  Fighting mostly for my kids…to make their lives better.  I love them so dearly.

Ten years later the dust is settling a bit.  I am able to talk about my experiences without feeling shame.  I am able to stand tall.  I love myself again.  My children are thriving.  They are growing and planning their own futures.  That they have seen me go through so much and keep getting up when a lot of people wouldn’t have is a life lesson not lost on them.

Love is the core of my strength.  When my mind and body felt depleted, there was so much love in my heart.  The joy my Children have brought me is what kept me going.  I can’t tell you how many nights, after they fell asleep, I would fall apart.  All my strength went into being present for them as their Mom.

Now that they are older, and I see how well they are doing, I realize that somehow, in all the chaos, pain, and suffering I had endured, I did something right.  There was not one second that my children did not feel my love.  There was not one second that they felt alone.

Life always gets better.  That knowledge, along with love, is the core of my strength.

I am unstoppable.  I know that now.

An Open Letter to Anyone Considering Suicide as a Solution

Ten years ago, I pulled my car into my garage, shut the garage door and sat there.  I was going through the toughest time in my life and felt alone and despondent.  As I sat there, car running, I began to think about all that was going wrong in my life, a horrible and prolonged divorce, abusing narcotics given to me by my Doctor and subsequently, being caught diverting narcotics from my job as a Nurse and facing arrest and possible loss of my Nursing license, how I  felt like a failure as a human being, a Nurse and a Mother.  Failing my profession by what I had done was devastating.  Failing my children was beyond devastating.  I felt so low that I didn’t feel like I could face any of these thing nevermind, overcoming them.  I felt isolated from the world, my family and my friends.  I was left alone constantly in my thoughts of self-hatred and failure.  I didn’t feel I had another ounce of strength in me to go on.  There was no helping hand to pull me out of my despair only, people pushing me further into it.  Quietly going to into a forever slumber in my car that night felt almost comforting.  The nightmare I was in would end…..for me.

My thoughts turned to my children, my then 5-year-old daughter and my 7-year-old son.  They would be the ones to come home the next morning and search the house for their Mommy.  They would have found me in that garage.  They would have been destroyed by what I had done.  I shut off the car and walked into the house.  I still didn’t have a plan on how to get through all I needed to get through but, held on by the tiny thread that connected me to life….my children.

Dragging myself out of the nightmare that was my life at that time was no easy task.  It literally took years.  The drug abuse part was easy.  I stopped the moment I was caught.  The rest was not so easy.  I remember one phone conversation I had shortly after that night with a Lawyer who assisted Nurses who had diverted narcotics from work.  Sensing my despair and knowing that same despair from other Nurses she had dealt with gave her the insight to say six words that literally saved my life.  She said them over and over during our short conversation.  They were, “You are going to be OK”.  It was the only kindness and compassion I had received from anyone during that time.  As I began to attempt to climb out of the giant hole I was residing in, my mind kept going back to those words and the simple truth in them.  The tiny steps I took slowly became larger steps.  It was a long process and there were times that I felt like giving up but, those words kept resurfacing in my thoughts like a tiny seed that had taken root in my mind.

That seed eventually took root firmly and I began the long process of healing.  I sought out the help that I desperately needed which is no easy task for a Nurse.  Nurses are the help.  It is frowned down upon by our profession to be the Nurse who needs the help.  The giant hole I found myself in still felt insurmountable but, each tiny step I too brought me closer to the surface.  Eventually, I saw the light at the top and the tiny steps I was taking became larger.  I regained my confidence and my will to live.  I slowly began to see that I, indeed, had a lot to live for.  I will never say any of it was easy but, I will say the effort was well worth it.

Since that time, my life has had its difficulties.  I now am able to recognise when I am falling into a place where I need help.  I have learned how to reach out to my friends and family and the professionals I rely on.  My mind no longer falls into thoughts of ending my life.  I have learned that no matter how difficult life gets, that if you just wait it out and reach out to others, that life gets better.  It may not be perfect, but it gets better….liveable.

I’ve learned the value of who I am, in spite of my glorious imperfections.  I have learned my value as a Mother and that you don’t have to be that perfect soccer Mom to raise amazing children….all you have to do is be that loving Mom who makes her kids feel safe and loved unconditionally.

My drug abuse issue has made me a better, more compassionate Nurse.  I am able to identify with my patients suffering from addiction in an amazing, non-judgmental way that is incredibly therapeutic to them.

I have learned that I am human.  I make mistakes and that’s OK.

Ten years later, I never think about suicide as an option no matter how dire the problems I face in life. The one guarantee I have learned about life is, that no matter how bad things seem at any time, it always gets better.

I have experienced some of the most joyous moments since that night in my car 10 years ago.  Those moments invariably made sweeter by my decision, at that time, to continue to live.  I appreciate life on a deeper level.  I cherish the people I love.  I cherish myself.

So, anytime you are feeling low, stop, take a deep breath and hear these six words, “You are going to be OK”.   Reach out to someone.  Put out your hand and let someone grab hold of it and don’t let go because I promise you that you will never regret moving forward to see that day, when you too, will feel joy again.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Families of Conn. vets celebrate passage of suicide-prevention bill

Let’s hope this helps.

The Agony of Ignorance

Ten Years ago,  I had just gone through a nasty divorce and was severely depressed.  My Stepmother was going through two cancer surgeries with brutal chemotherapy and my Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer at exactly that same time.  I felt stupid going to them for support during my divorce while they were fighting for their lives.  I was alone in my fear.  After trying many different antidepressants and finding no relief, I complained to my MD that I was experiencing physical pain and she gave me percocet.  Physical pain is a symptom of depression.  I found that the percocet took the edge off.  My next visit she asked me how it was working and I told her it helped a little so, she gave me oxycontin.  Oxycontin is the time release form of oxycodone.  It can last from 8 to 12 hours in your body for pain relief and is a great drug for cancer sufferers….not depressed people.  If my depressed mind were thinking correctly I would have recognized this.  My depressed mind just wanted to feel better.  When depressed, a persons mind is not thinking normally…it is very obvious to me now, that mine was not.

After a while of this, I asked her to stop giving it to me and she never even mentioned getting help for my depression.  I was ok for 3 months and began diverting.  I am a Nurse and diverting means taking narcotics from work.  I never took anything that was meant for a patient.  I did not divert much and got caught almost right away.  My Boss called me at home and told me that I was being investigated by the hospital and the police for diverting narcotics.  I dropped the phone and curled up into a ball and cried.  I was so alone and felt that to the core of my being.  Finding yourself in the fetal position, knowing that your body went there automatically as a response to such deep emotional pain that your mind shuts off is something I never want to experience again.

My union rep told me the best thing to do was go in and fess up to what I had done…..so, I did.  I was secretly recorded and the hospital lawyer told me the police would be in contact with me to have me arrested.  I was devastated.  They acted like they were going to help me but, were only tricking me into confessing so they could destroy what little there was left of me.  I went home that night and sat in my garage with my car running and a full tank of gas.  I knew carbon monoxide was the easiest way to die. You just fall asleep.  The only thing that made me turn off the car was that I knew my kids would be the ones to find me.

I was working at UCONN Medical Center in Farmington, Connecticut.  I sought out treatment and the insurance would only cover one visit with an addiction counselor once a week even though my counselor TRIPLED the amount I used in order to get me into treatment.  The DPH treated me like I was a common criminal and was intent on making my life as much of a living hell as they could.  I could not afford a lawyer for that case or the pending criminal arrest.  Somehow I was steered toward UCONN Law School where they provided free criminal representation provided by the students with the Head of the Criminal Law Department overseeing them.  Luckily for me, he took a special interest in my case.  The investigator for the CT DPH was angry at UCONN for arresting their nurses because they felt it put patients further at risk because a Nurse would be less likely to try and get help if she or he feared arrest.  I was required to provide her with a statement and she advised me to have my lawyer make the statement for me so that it would be considered hearsay.  She knew the state Police were waiting for my statement so they could use it to arrest me.  She called me a week later and told me not to tell anyone she called and that I was NOT going to be arrested because of lack of evidence thanks to her.

During that time, at the lowest point in my life, I also managed to write a letter to the President of UCONN Medical Center asking for a meeting with various state agencies, the CT Nurses Association, the DPH (they all agreed to attend)and a threat to go public in regards to how a Hospital that was doing research on addiction was treating it’s Nurses this way. It was because of me that UCONN stopped arresting it’s impaired Nurses.  I am the type of person that can make things happen when I believe in myself.

I was then put on a 4 year probation by DPH that required weekly random chain of command urines and weekly counseling…for FOUR years!  I was mistreated by my employer and any misstep, my fault or not, was reported to the DPH and I was harassed and degraded on a routine basis.  If I had the sniffles

co-workers would snicker and whisper about how I must be snorting cocaine.  I have not ever used or even seen illegal drug,  My consent order (probation order) was, and still is, online for anyone who looks up my license to see.  Anyone who googled me was brought to that page.  It was humiliating.  My kids were young at the time.  I never used any drugs around them or when they were in my care.  I planned to tell them all about what I had gone through when they were grown and better able to understand it.

One day, during a hand off of the kids with my volatile ex husband he, as usual flew into a fit of rage.  He ended this fit of rage by screaming, “You are nothing but a piece of shit drug addict.”  This was after me not using any drugs for over a year.  My kids were standing right there…..six and nine years old.  I was stunned.  I later found out, that his wife had looked up my license at a party and the entire group of people at the party laughed and ridiculed me.  I shook the shock I felt out of  body and looked over at my children’s beautiful faces and saw such confusion.  I got my bearings and ushered them into the car and was forced to have a conversation with them that I didn’t feel any child should have to hear.  Their father had forced my hand so, I made the best of it, telling them everything, and they were amazing.  They both knew how distraught I was even though I did my best to hide it.  The kindness and love they offered me was probably not the outcome their father was expecting.

I could not live my life without this haunting me.  Nine years later it still haunts me.  If I applied for a job, I would never even get a call because they look up your license.  I actually, have been applying for jobs for years now compiling a list of all the jobs I don’t even get a call for.  My resume is amazing and I am a very experienced and knowledgeable Nurse. Before this happened, I got a call for an interview for virtually every single job I applied for.   On a personal level, my dating life suffered.  I would meet someone and hit it off and everything would go well until they learned my last name and googled me.  They would then never contact me again.  I was not even given the opportunity to explain what had happened.  I lost friends.  People avoided me as if I had murdered someone.  Eventually, my computer savy son made me invisible to search engines (I didn’t ask how).  I love that kid.

I have suffered from, at times,  debilitating anxiety and depression since then.  I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago related to that experience.  I still work as a Nurse but, occasionally  take leaves of absence because of my anxiety/depression.  I am forever changed because of this experience.  It was only recently by the director of a substance abuse clinic that I was told that I was NEVER an addict.  I was an abuser.  I never went through withdrawal.  I have no desire to use any type of narcotics.  I have never recovered financially.

They mandated me, at the time, to go to Narcotics anonymous and the other addicts couldn’t understand why I was there.  They all told me I wasn’t an addict.  They told me I got the death penalty for jaywalking.

Now, I know some of you may be reading this thinking I got what I deserved.  I am acutely aware of how negatively people with substance abuse issues or even histories of them are viewed.  I see it every day at work, in the media, in personal conversations with people who do not know my history.

My profession tried to destroy me.  My ex husband tried to destroy me.  All for something that is now considered to be a disease by the World Health Organization and the American Medical Association.

I was not destroyed…just knocked off kilter for a while.

So, if you get anything from this, educate yourself.  It has been proven that the outcomes for overcoming drug or alcohol abuse are greatly improved by treating the addict with kindness.  This whole movement of abusing them further, humiliating, degrading, punishment, and imprisoning them is not working.  That is painfully obvious.  When you are in a room speaking unkindly of people suffering from addiction, remember, I might be in that room standing there silently listening to you assassinating my character without you even knowing you are doing it.

The few people who were kind to me got me through this.  I am now at the point in my life where I don’t care who knows.  It is a part of my distant past that has made me who I am.  It has taught me more about compassion that anything in my life ever has.  I feel lucky for that.

Thank you for giving me courage Michael Lawrence Langan, MD

http://disruptedphysician.com/