My Sisters…….

 

So many things are happening around me to the people I love.  I spent the day with my best friend from High School who lost her son in October.  I feel good that she knows she can tell me anything, no matter how dark, about what she is going through and she knows that somehow I get it….I guess that’s how it is with someone you’ve known since you were 15.  I love that girl like she is my sister.  Losing is child is a journey that will not end for her until she breathes her last breath.  I loved her son…I can still see is beautiful smile.  It still doesn’t feel real that he is gone.  I talk to her about him…people avoid doing that with parents who have lost their child in an attempt to save them from feeling more pain but, they do want to talk.  I get that now.

My sister called me tonight.  Since she found out she had cancer she isolated herself from almost everyone.  I have been calling, leaving messages, and texting her daily just to let her know I am here.  When I saw he name of an incoming phone call I was so relieved.  We talked for hours.  She has seemed to come out of the fog that has been surrounding her and I am grateful for that.  She has 2 years of treatments ahead of her.   She will survive this.

My youngest sister is facing a divorce of her own doing.  I feel for her but, she made it happen.  Her husband is not a perfect man but, he did love her.  She threw it away in favor of her drug abuse.  she started out with prescription drugs but, I have no idea what it has escalated to.  I tried for years and years to get her help.  I tried every trick in the book.  Nothing worked.  I just told her how much I love her and that I am here for her if she needed to get help.  That is all I can do.  My baby sister.

My middle sister is in a mess of her own.  Because of her neglect of my beautiful niece my 15-year-old niece is pregnant.  I am in shock.  My sister’s life has been spiraling out of control for 2 years since the father of he daughters suddenly died.  I have tried everything to help her, too.  She doesn’t want my help and now hates me because I called child protective services on her for the neglect.  She is involved with a horrible man.  After a million phone calls to DCF I finally got them to get a court order keeping him away from my nieces.  That only made my sister practically move out of the apartment she shared with my nieces and into the horrible man’s place.  That left 2 young teens with free reign to do whatever they felt like doing….like any teen would be thrilled to do and DCF did nothing to stop it even though the girls had plenty of good, safe place to be.  Now my niece, who held so much promise in her life with her beautiful mind and kind heart will be a mother by Christmas.  I tried for 2 years to get my sister the help she needed.

Then there are my two.  My Son and Daughter.  The two of them best friends.  I love to listen to them talk when I am in another room.  I wanted them to be close and they are.  My son on the dean’s list in college….starting his third year in september.  My baby girl just got her first job.  Taking 3 AP classes in her senior year of high school.  Both of them ready to take on the world.  Both of them doing what it takes to build their lives.  If you talk to them they will tell you that I had nothing to do with the direction they are headed in.  When they say that I bite my tongue.  I stop myself from telling them how hard I worked to keep them on the right track.  Maybe they will realize that when they are older.

My sisters are a mess.  Right now, I am like a bird without my wings.  When I cry I cry alone.  No one holds me.  no one tells me it’s going to be ok.  This is not the first time in this position for me.  What makes me hold on are my children.  I have held on for them through seemingly insurmountable situations in the past and I will continue to do so.  I have to.  I love them so deeply and completely.

While at the time I am a helpless Sister, I am a devoted Mother and no one can take that away from me.

 

 

 

 

 

Battling Depression and Anxiety While Parenting

I was divorced in 2004.  My divorce was awful.  At the same time, my beloved Step-Mother was battling breast cancer and my even more beloved Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  I fell into a deep depression that was resistant to any and all anti-depressant medications.  My depression is resistant to medication so, I don’t take any.  I have tried every antidepressant known to man.  Nothing works.  Unfortunately, my Doctor suggested narcotic pain medication for the pain I was experiencing due to my depression.  I later found out that physical pain is one of the symptoms of depression.  I was not in my right mind or way of thinking.  I just wanted to feel better and quickly found out that the narcotics did just that….made me feel better.  I used them as an escape when my kids were at their Dad’s.  We then had shared custody so I only had them 50% of the time and that was excruciatingly painful for me.  I began to abuse the narcotics.  I was 38 years old and had never had any type of substance abuse problem.  It was the perfect storm.  I was caught diverting drugs from my Emergency Room job where narcotics flowed like water.  I only did all of this for 6 months but it ended up being the beginning of the most difficult time in my life.

During all of this, I still managed to parent my children.  I was very involved in their lives and education.  I didn’t want to get out of bed most days but, did it anyway.  I have no idea how.  Eventually, my children’s father made life at his home for my children so intolerable that I took them to counseling.  He refused to go to counselling and try to rebuild his relationship with them and they eventually stopped going to see him.  He only sees them a few hours a year now.  My daughter just turned 16 and he sent her a card with no gift.  My son turned 18 and he promised to take him out to dinner but, never did.  I now have full decision making rights for my daughter….the courts will do anything to prevent you from getting full custody.  My son is 18 and working and going to college and flourishing.  He knows I will do whatever it takes to make sure he gets the education he is seeking. My daughter is an honors student and taking AP classes in High School.  I have instilled in them the importance of education.

My children know I battle depression and anxiety.  They also know how hard I fight it.  They know that no matter what, I will get myself together and be there for them anytime they need me.  They know that no matter how difficult things get, I will rally and figure out a solution.  They have grown into kind, loving, and compassionate young people who will contribute so much to the world.  They see me doing whatever it takes to stay on top.

My battle, and the fact that I have not let it keep me down, has been an important life lesson for them.  I have felt like giving up more times than I can count but, will not let depression win.  Depression in a parent has a profound effect on children.  I know that and feel awful about it but, also know that I have put up one heck of a fight and they know that.  I have taught them to never quit.  I have given them a good home life and stability.  I make them feel safe.  They are happy and well adjusted.

Depression does not have to win.  You can be a good parent despite depression.

Our Broken Criminal “Justice” System Ruining yet ANOTHER Young Person’s Life!

This is a tragic result of how broken our criminal justice system in the United States.  On a dating app, this young man met what he thought was an 18-year-old girl.  She lied.  She was 14 but, he had no way of knowing that.  The girl’s Mother even testified on his behalf pleading NOT to make him a sex offender but, they did anyway.  Now, this poor young man’s life is now ruined.

Please read the article below.  It can happen to any young man.  I know of two young men this has happened to personally!  This can easily happen to MY 18-year-old son.  Cases need to be looked at according to circumstances and NOT just thrown into a pile of cases to get through quickly just to get home at 5pm for dinner.  These are people’s lives!

Things need to change!

http://abcnews.go.com/beta/US/19-year-spend-25-years-registered-sex-offender/story?id=32783206

Please go to Change.org to support Zach Anderson and his family-

https://www.change.org/p/justice-for-zachery-anderson?recruiter=3216455&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&rp_sharecordion_checklist=control

Garden Therapy

I will not lie.  I had a tough winter.  The Holiday Season coupled with the expensive New England heating season is usually enough to send me reeling.  This year, I had the added stress of my son turning 18 and having his Father pull the plug on any financial responsibility for him, despite the fact that he goes to college full time and works part time and is an amazing young man.  Then, the Landlord who refused to fix the heat in the house we lived in for 8 years that resulted in us literally having to pack up our lives with 2 weeks notice and move to another house.  There were so many more details…court dates….the pain my children endured at the hands of their Father and his Mother that I will not go into but, suffice it to say, it was a bad 4 months emotionally.  I pulled myself together and pulled it all off like the bad-ass single Mama Bear that I am but, when the shit hits the fan for me like that and I have to go into fight mode for months on end I usually check out a little afterwards.

One night, I was talking to my Dad on the phone and mentioned growing some green beans…I love them and they usually grow so easily.  I said it in passing but, two days later my Dad showed up with a dump truck load of top soil!  I went out with my daughter to buy some seeds and two tomato plants.  I planted them right away and waited.  They started to sprout and I watered them each day.

One day, I came home from work to find three new tomato plants, two green pepper plants and some flowers planted in my garden.  I knew of only one person who would do that.  I called my Dad and thanked him.  I could hear the happiness in his voice.

Life has calmed down a bit.  My garden is thriving.  I am thrilled!  I tend to it each day and talk about it to anyone who will listen.  I can keep people alive like there’s no tomorrow (which is a good quality for a Nurse lol) but, plants were always another thing.

I am happier that I have been in a long time.

I called my Dad the other day and told him how bad things were for me last winter and how much better I was feeling, thanks in part, to the garden he helped me grow.  When I am in crisis I rarely ask for help.  He knows that.  I am 49 and he is 72 and I think we finally figured out how to be there for each other.

I have to say, there is no better feeling in the world, than to pull up in your driveway, and see that someone was thinking about you, with so much love, that they had to come over and secretly plant things in the garden they knew you were excited about.

Who needs therapy when you have green beans?

Poor Decisions in Parenting That are Avoidable

Having children is a huge responsibility.  I think we can all agree with that.  You go from someone who thinks an awful lot about themselves, to someone who thinks about the health and well-being of the little people you bring into the world.  You teach them morals, life coping skills, foster education and give them loads of love.  You feed them, cloth them, and dry their tears.  You laugh with them, teach them right from wrong and teach them of the importance of family.  Being a parent is the most unselfish thing most people do in their lifetimes.

So, today I was speaking with a man who was telling me about his new girlfriend.  They met in high school and recently reunited.  Sounds great, right?  Then he tells me she is getting a divorce.  It gets worse.  Her future ex-husband is still living in the house with her and their two children as a family.  It gets worse.  She has introduced her children to him and they have spent time together…not with the blessing of the soon to be ex-husband.  Then, as if it was not bad enough, he tells me that they have not even filed for divorce!  He tells me the kids are fine with it (as if Mommy gave them a choice).

What it all boils down to is that Mommy couldn’t wait and do things the right way out of concern for her own children’s well-being.  Mommy, in the chaos that is her life, forgot to think about anyone but herself. Divorce is really tough on kids no matter what the circumstances are or what the age of the children are.  Suddenly their whole world is turned upside down and they need both parents.  They don’t need strangers shoved in their face with mommy whining, “I Loooooove him”, like a teenage girl.  Children need time to process all that is going on and when one or the other parent interjects a new boyfriend or girlfriend into the situation at such an early stage, it can be emotionally devastating for the children.

Personally, I won’t date a person in the middle of a divorce.  I sure as hell would never date someone who is still playing house with the ex-wife to be!!  I won’t even date someone until at least a year after the ink is dry.  It takes at least that long to get to the point where you are making any good dating decisions.  It takes that long to get your shit together.  In that time you should be making sure you are ok and making sure your children are ok.  You shouldn’t be humping the first thing that walks by because, news flash,  the first thing that walks by rarely looks so amazing a year later when the dust settles.

When you have kids life isn’t all about you anymore.  You signed on for the long haul.  There is no better way to mix up your kids than to date while you are still living with their Dad.  It shows a complete lack of self-control on your part and a complete lack of respect for their Daddy and for the love they have for him.  What awful lessons to teach a child.

You are the grown-up.  Act like it.

Monica Lewinsky and Why the Word ‘Slut’ Is Still So Potent

Monica Lewinski did an amazing TED talk (I am addicted to TED talks) on public humiliation and bullying. I admire her for surviving something so horrific and going on to help others!!

Scathing Report Calls Lab Safety at CDC ‘Insufficient’

This is VERY troubling……

This is SOOOOOO Me!!!!

I can’t even count all times the times I’ve picked myself up, dusted myself off, found a mirror, APPLIED LIPSTICK and walked straight into the next life challenge!!!

Sam Hunt and My Son

Sam Hunt Takes on Domestic Violence in his video for his song, “Take your time”.  He portrays a young man who witnesses domestic violence in a family and intervenes to assist the young woman and her baby in their escape.  I see my son in Sam….I see his loving and protective nature.  I know my son would never stand by and let something like this happen.  I have told him all his life, not to listen to society.

I have told him to protect the women in his life, his sister, his Mother, his own future daughter.  I tell him to protect anyone who he sees that needs it.

That is what a man is.  That I managed to raise him to be the man he is, without the benefit of a Father or any other positive male roll model, makes me happy.

I know a lot of single Mothers worry about raising boys without a male in their lives.  My son is proof that it can be done.

The Beauty of Being a Persistent Person

Eight years ago, I moved into a house in the town where my children had been going to school their entire lives.  When I moved in the landlord said he was planning on selling the house in 12 years.  I thought that was great because my children would graduate High school and after that it didn’t really matter where we lived.  We got a rescue dog and settled in.  About 3 years into it living there, the landlord started telling me he was going to sell the house.  He would flip-flop between selling and not selling on a weekly basis.  He was also stealing electricity from me for 8 years to supply a bay of 6 garages that he rented out but, I stayed because there were no other options in my town.  The bathroom floor was rotted out so, the bathroom was literally falling into the basement…that was scary.  This stressed me out enormously because, the town I live in is almost 100% single family homes that are in the $400,000 plus price range so finding another place seemed nearly impossible.  The last month we were in the house the downstairs of the house had little heat and would only get up to 50 degrees at night and the landlord refused to fix it.  He simply told me that there was only another month or so of cold weather and to deal with it.  I eventually called the health department and boy did that piss him off.  He sent me notice to vacate the house.

The other stressful thing that was going on was that my children did not see their father anymore.  What was supposed to be shared custody, was now me having full custody for the last eight years.  I wanted to take him back to court to increase child support because I was in desperate need of money since I was providing 100% of their care and the child support was based on shared custody.  If I brought him back to court and then had to move out-of-town because my landlord sold the house they would have to change schools…something I was trying to avoid at all cost.  If the school found out they were living in another town and that I had full custody they would literally arrest me for sending them to their old school.  This is common practice in Connecticut….to arrest parents for sending their children to a school system in a different town than where they lived.

So, I was living with less financial support than my kids deserved and just waiting for my landlord to tell me he was selling.  It got to the point where the sight of him sent me into a panic.  The thought of making my children change schools killed me.  The school system they are in is amazing.  They had already lost so much in their lives so, losing their friends and the life they had built would break my heart into a million pieces.  I was stuck under both their thumbs…my ex-husband and my landlord.  I was stuck like this for five years.

My Landlord broke it to me last October that I had to be out of the house by June.  My biggest fear realized.  Then in November my Ex-Husband stopped paying support for my son who turned 18 in November but, was still living with me full-time and attending college full-time.  He then told me he was going to claim the kids on his taxes even though he literally spent a total of 2 hours with them in the previous year.  I told him I would take him to court.  He didn’t believe I would and kept on with the threats until one day I had enough.  He was served by the Marshall on December 23….Merry Fucking Christmas deadbeat Dad.

Court was very stressful.  I didn’t have a lawyer but, Mr. “I am so broke”, walked in with his beautifully tailored suit and Lawyer in tow.  We went into the mediators office first.  Mistake number one was when his Lawyer began with this one sentence “You have been keeping him from his kids”.  My mind went into a rage.  This was a flat-out lie.  I know a lot of parents do this to each other but, I was not one of them.  I had done everything I could possibly do to facilitate a relationship between my children and their Father…he just wasn’t interested…he flat out didn’t care.  My head was reeling that someone could walk into a courthouse and lie like that.  Then his Lawyer told me that my ex and I never had a verbal agreement that I would claim both kids on my taxes because I was providing more than 50% of their care.  Another lie.  I looked straight at my ex and said, “So, this is how this is going down?  You are going into a courtroom, in front of a judge, and you are going to lie”.  The color left his face.  I was enraged.  Slowly, my mind began to work again.  You see, when he decided not to be a Father anymore I brought my kids to counseling to help them deal with it.  The counselor urged him many times to attend counseling to no avail.  It was all on record.  Legal documents.  I had him.  If the judge saw that he was lying about me blocking his access to my children then she would not believe that for four years, I claimed both kids on my taxes and he didn’t notice.  The lie that we did not have a verbal agreement would be revealed.

I then told his Lawyer that I would love to go to trial.  He looked at me perplexed.  I was supposed to be an intimidated, shrinking violet.  He had clearly lost control of the situation.  He ushered my Ex out of the room.  When they came back, they agreed not to go back for the tax money from me claiming both kids but, he still wanted to claim one.  I said No.  they talked.  I kept saying no.  I stood my ground.  Finally they gave up.  I even got my Daughter’s child support increased.  I went in there without a Lawyer and still won what was best for my children.  I actually, think I was better off without a Lawyer.  Persistence.

With that battle over the next worry was a place to live.  I began looking as soon as my tax return hit my bank account.  It was discouraging.  I found one house for rent for $6000 a month!!  I kept looking and ran across a house in my price range.  I called and he had already found someone to rent to.  I kept looking but, on a whim I called him back a couple of weeks later.  He told me the deal fell through and I made arrangements to see the house.  It is an over-sized Cape in a great area.  I told him right then and there I would write him a check and signed a lease the next day.  We moved seven days later and I am in love with the new place and best of all my daughter will graduate with her friends.  Persistence.

I can breathe now.  I am not under anyone’s thumb.  I feel free.  I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.  If it were not for the pit bull I turn into in regard for my children’s well-being we would not be in the beautiful position that we are.  I am one bad ass single Mother.