NA and DPH- When the Help is not Helping

http://10yearsasinglemom.com/2015/01/19/the-agony-of-ignorance/

http://10yearsasinglemom.com/2015/03/10/an-open-letter-to-anyone-considering-suicide-as-a-solution/

In order to get most of what I am talking about it might be helpful to go back and read the two previous blog posts that I linked to above.

When I first got caught I was told to start going to NA meetings.  It was more like a mandate.  I was asked every week what meeting I had attended and where.  I was terrified NOT to go so I began going to NA meetings.  I met there a group of very sweet, kind but, completely broken people.  None of them could hold a job.  I saw no progress in my time there.  All I saw, were people who were going to 3 to 5 meetings a week.  Missing one, even to be with loved ones, was not an option.   A broken Nail would propel them to a meeting so that they wouldn’t use….I’m not kidding….a broken fingernail.

I was introduced to the 12 steps and told to find a sponsor.  I looked through the 12 steps and thought, there is no way I am doing all this.  I don’t believe in God so, was I supposed to imagine a higher power?  Why couldn’t I just work on myself and believe in myself?  I was basically told that thinking I could believe in myself was the drugs talking…holy crap, are you kidding?

As I sat in on these meetings, I saw what the message was- keep yourself feeling bad…never feel bad enough to use and never feel good enough because you might use.  One day, I went to a meeting and had gotten some very good news that day so, I shared it with the group.  I was happy for the first time in months.  It felt good.  I was told by a chorus NOT to be happy because I might use!  Now, this might be necessary for some but, I was  Nurse, a Mom, I had accomplished things in my life.  The whole point for me of getting help was to get my life back on track.  I was astounded that they told me I could not be happy.  I can’t tell you how many times I was hit on in those meetings.  A guy wearing an ankle bracelet tried to pick me up multiple times.  I was not there to find a date for God’s sake!

I was also seeing a counselor weekly.  I told him that I didn’t see how NA was going to help me.  He told me to try AA.  I went to my first and last meeting in one day.  The moment I started talking and they found out I was not an alcoholic but, had used narcotics I could feel the room silently judge me as not worthy of their meeting.  I was not imagining things.  Someone actually walked up to me after the meeting and TOLD me to go to NA.  AA thinks they are more élite than NA….well, isn’t THAT fucking healthy.  The next time I went to my counselor (who was an AA lifer) he said, “Oh, yeah…I should have told you to tell them you had a drinking problem.  They don’t like the people who go to NA”.   I’m supposed to be helped by an organization full of people who act like they are still in High school.  The fact that my counselor told me to LIE was not lost on me either.  This was my help.

The DPH (Department of Public Health) was worse.  They wanted to cause me harm.  I was first contacted by them by a drug enforcement agent.  She was there to investigate my diversion.  She was the one and only person from that department to treat me with any respect or dignity.  She encountered one new Nurse a week who was diverting and knew how horribly painful the whole process could be.  I am eternally grateful to her for her kindness.

The next DPH person who contacted me was the prosecutor.  I picked up the phone and she started threatening me, screaming at me and telling me how I was going to lose my license and never work as a nurse again.  When I could finally get a word in, I told her to shut up and listen to me because this was my life and my kids lives she was threatening me with.  I didn’t take very kindly to that.  I think she was so shocked that someone stood up to her she couldn’t speak.  She calmly listened to me and quickly realized that I was not someone she could walk on.  When my case went before the board she hugged me afterward and told me she knew I was going to make it.

After that, I was given a 4 year consent order (probationary period).  If at any time during that 4 years I was thought to have disobeyed the consent order my license would be suspended and maybe lost.  One of the terms of the consent order was that I could not eat poppy seeds for four years because it might show up as opioid use on the drug test.  So, now I was taking a drug test that was not always accurate…how reassuring.  I feared everything I ate would throw my drug test.  I feared taking motrin for a headache because, I was told it could give me a positive result.  This is where the fun really began.  Bonnie at the DPH was in charge of all of us delinquent Nurses.   My Boss and therapist had to submit monthly reports the first year, quarterly reports the next two years and then back to monthly reports the last year,  Our every action was under scrutiny.  If we called out too often at work, didn’t get along with a co-worker, were late too often, missed an appointment with our therapist, and many other reasons unrelated to drug use we were called by Bonnie or her assistant and verbally admonished and our license was threatened.  We had to submit to random drug tests and if for any reason we couldn’t make it the day we were called to, our license was threatened.  I was under constant, unrelenting stress for four years even though I was NOT using drugs at all.  If our therapist or boss did not fax the reports on us when they were supposed to it was our fault and responsibility.  I can’t tell you how many times I got a call on a friday evening at 4pm and was left a message from DPH telling me the reports were not in and they better be by monday or my license would be pulled.  Now, I was left with a weekend to worry and freak out because I was so afraid and there was nothing I could do to fix it because it was a weekend!

I was diagnosed with PTSD, not because of my drug abuse but, because of the constant fear I was put under for 4 years.  I am just starting to be able to get the mail out of my mailbox daily like a normal person.  I lived in fear of getting a letter threatening me from DPH so, I would not get my mail for, sometimes, weeks at a time.  I hated it each time my phone rang for fear it was them calling to threaten me.

I am just starting to be the person I used to be, although, I will never be the same.  Four years of unrelenting stress changes you.  Having you License dangled in front of you for four years changes you.  I had many points during that time that I wanted to just tell DPH to pull my license because it was killing me to be so stressed.  The funny part is not one time during that four years, I did not think of using drugs once….not one time.

This whole experience has left me acutely aware of how easily someone with authority of you can abuse that authority and destroy your life.  When you are a licensed professional you covet that license.  It is precious to you.  To have it under unrelenting attack is horrifying.  I love being a Nurse.  It is a huge part of my identity.  I am good at what I do.  I am an asset to my profession.

What was done to me was 100% punitive.  My consent order is attached to my License until I retire.  It is there for the world to see.  if I lose my present job I will not get another one.  I have applied for hundreds of jobs, as an experiment, and have never received one call.  They look up your license first, and if it has that little red x next to your name they skip over you without even giving you a chance.  I am marked for life in my profession.  My personal health issue is on public record for the world to see.  HIPPA doesn’t apply to me.

Apparently, science is irrelevant when it comes to impaired Nurses.  If I ever treated one of my impaired patients in this manner, I would be fired.

I love being a Nurse but, it will be a joyous day for me when I can let my license lapse, retire, and forget I was ever a Nurse.

If not for the love of my children, I never would have made it through all of this.  I still resent the DPH for the part of me they stole from my children in those four years.  That was the worst crime in all of this.

Poor Decisions in Parenting That are Avoidable

Having children is a huge responsibility.  I think we can all agree with that.  You go from someone who thinks an awful lot about themselves, to someone who thinks about the health and well-being of the little people you bring into the world.  You teach them morals, life coping skills, foster education and give them loads of love.  You feed them, cloth them, and dry their tears.  You laugh with them, teach them right from wrong and teach them of the importance of family.  Being a parent is the most unselfish thing most people do in their lifetimes.

So, today I was speaking with a man who was telling me about his new girlfriend.  They met in high school and recently reunited.  Sounds great, right?  Then he tells me she is getting a divorce.  It gets worse.  Her future ex-husband is still living in the house with her and their two children as a family.  It gets worse.  She has introduced her children to him and they have spent time together…not with the blessing of the soon to be ex-husband.  Then, as if it was not bad enough, he tells me that they have not even filed for divorce!  He tells me the kids are fine with it (as if Mommy gave them a choice).

What it all boils down to is that Mommy couldn’t wait and do things the right way out of concern for her own children’s well-being.  Mommy, in the chaos that is her life, forgot to think about anyone but herself. Divorce is really tough on kids no matter what the circumstances are or what the age of the children are.  Suddenly their whole world is turned upside down and they need both parents.  They don’t need strangers shoved in their face with mommy whining, “I Loooooove him”, like a teenage girl.  Children need time to process all that is going on and when one or the other parent interjects a new boyfriend or girlfriend into the situation at such an early stage, it can be emotionally devastating for the children.

Personally, I won’t date a person in the middle of a divorce.  I sure as hell would never date someone who is still playing house with the ex-wife to be!!  I won’t even date someone until at least a year after the ink is dry.  It takes at least that long to get to the point where you are making any good dating decisions.  It takes that long to get your shit together.  In that time you should be making sure you are ok and making sure your children are ok.  You shouldn’t be humping the first thing that walks by because, news flash,  the first thing that walks by rarely looks so amazing a year later when the dust settles.

When you have kids life isn’t all about you anymore.  You signed on for the long haul.  There is no better way to mix up your kids than to date while you are still living with their Dad.  It shows a complete lack of self-control on your part and a complete lack of respect for their Daddy and for the love they have for him.  What awful lessons to teach a child.

You are the grown-up.  Act like it.

Want to help prevent online bullying? Comment on Facebook

The sad response to the Monica Lewinsky Ted Talk on Bullying from the Cowards hiding behind a keyboard citing right to free speech as their excuse to bully. Cowards.

Need Signatures: Please Sign Petition and Call (617-727-6200) MA State Auditor Suzanne Bump to Demand Audit of Corrupt Physician Health Services and the MA BORM Physician Health and Compliance Unit

This guy is AMAZING!!!! Persistence pays off!!!

Disrupted Physician

The Petition can be found here.  Or better yet, sign the petition and call her at 617-727-6200.   The evidence that Physician Health Services, Inc. (PHS) is committing crimes has been free-floating for the past two years.   It has been posted on Reddit, Twitter, Facebook, Linkedin, blogged, faxed, and phoned.  The response?  Absolute silence.

The procedural, ethical and criminal violations are clear and many.     The incontrovertible evidence has been directly delivered to individuals who can and should address this but for some reason do not.  This is not a matter of opinion folks but a matter of fact.    Time and time again we hear of  egregious misconduct hidden for decades because of  cognitive dissonance and blinkered apathy.

What evidentiary standard is required for action?   Over the past three years and under a lot of duress I have obtained indefensible documentary prima facie  

View original post 691 more words

Sam Hunt and My Son

Sam Hunt Takes on Domestic Violence in his video for his song, “Take your time”.  He portrays a young man who witnesses domestic violence in a family and intervenes to assist the young woman and her baby in their escape.  I see my son in Sam….I see his loving and protective nature.  I know my son would never stand by and let something like this happen.  I have told him all his life, not to listen to society.

I have told him to protect the women in his life, his sister, his Mother, his own future daughter.  I tell him to protect anyone who he sees that needs it.

That is what a man is.  That I managed to raise him to be the man he is, without the benefit of a Father or any other positive male roll model, makes me happy.

I know a lot of single Mothers worry about raising boys without a male in their lives.  My son is proof that it can be done.

My Washing Machine Broke and I Cried

I know that seems kind of extreme.  I think it’s been the month…maybe its the lack of sunshine….maybe it just been 50 different things going wrong in a short period of time.  I usually handle things relatively well but, here I sit, tears streaming down my face because my washing machine broke.  The drier was already broken.  Well, it dried the clothes but, it took a while because the heating element burned out.  It did dry them though.

I think this whole thing started the week before I went to court to get full custody of my daughter.  My anxiety was through the roof a full week prior…peaked when the guy who was so broke walked into court with a Lawyer telling lies right to my face.  I mean do or say anything to me but DON’T ever tell me something about myself that isn’t true.  The real truth was revealed thanks to my excellent record keeping but, to hear the Father of your two children say those things just so he could save a buck…..it took the wind out of me.  It felt like I was seeing the evidence of how little he cared about them presented in front of me.  I honestly don’t care what he or anyone has to say about me.  It was that he was motivated to say these things to save himself money.  That hurt me more than anything.  He used to be a good father.  Now, neither of my kids will even talk to him.  I feel their pain physically.  It drained me to know that he cared so little about them.

So, I need a new washer and dryer and my kids are sad.  I have a male friend (the one who sent me the confusing poem) who simply adores me and would do anything for me but, there’s always a fucking ‘but’, isn’t there.  He pursued a relationship and then pulled out the “I am not ready”, rug out from under me.  I see him and everything is great ,and then I leave and who know what’s really going on.

Now, I am stuck going to a black tie event with him on Saturday and the only good think I can think of about it is that I will have a designated driver and a decent meal…..the rest I don’t even want to think about.   I don’t understand it.  If I am not into someone I don’t go out with them nevermind buy them things and bring them places.  I just tell them that I am not into them in a kind way.  With this guy its mixed messages central.  I feel bad every time I see him because I think it’s going to change…it feels like it has changes and then I go home and realize nothing has changed.

I am going to see a house tomorrow so we might be moving in two weeks.  Yes, I said two weeks.  I have nothing packed.  Luckily, I keep throwing things away that I don’t use so it won’t be that awful but, it’s over-the-top stressful to move in the best circumstances.

`With all this going on, the last thing I need right now is to get all dressed up and go out Saturday night.  It’s too late to cancel…I made a promise.  I’m just afraid the wine will get to me and I will start crying on the way home.  I know this is the last time I will see him.  He doesn’t know that.

I think I’m just going to tell him I’m crying because my washer and dryer are both broken.  Then I will tell him I can’t see him anymore between wiping my eye makeup all over my face and blowing my nose.  Knowing him, I will have a new washer and dryer delivered the next day because he is genuinely a kind (but, horribly confused) person but, I know I need to end things for good.  I feel like a Yoyo.  I would never do that to someone so, why is he doing it to me?  I keep telling him that something is wrong but I won’t tell him what.  He keeps telling me he is here for me….drawing me in deeper, only to give me the already heard, ‘I am not ready for more’, speech.  Last time he started, I interrupted him and basically said all the things he was going to say.  That’s how many times I’ve heard it.  I’m bored with it now.

I just have to keep thinking that in a month all of this will be over.  New house.  No “boyfriend”.  My children’s Father will crawl back into his hole.  I will get a new washer and dryer and my life will be back to normal.  I will be blissfully alone.  My life devoid of men.  Apparently, having one around breaks my concentration so when something minor like an appliance breaks it throws me overboard.  If I’m alone, all I have to do is figure out how I’m going to solve my latest problem.  I am better alone More centered.

I was talking to an old friend today.  I asked her if her husband would be going to the event with her Saturday night and the floodgates broke.  She started telling me that she is horribly unhappy and how emotionally abusive this man, who she once loved, is.  He told her that no one will ever love her.  What kind of thing is that to say to the Mother of your children.  I’m sort of glad he isn’t going because I would have made a comment or two to him.  I asked her why she stays and she says she it to afraid to raise her kids on her own.

That got me thinking.  I do cry over things like appliances but, I don’t have to live with someone who emotionally abuses me…so, maybe my life isn’t so bad.  Now, I just have to get rid of Mr Indecisive and maybe a broken washer won’t make me cry.  I am positive if he were not in my life I would be reacting in a more appropriate manner.  He just serves as a reminder to me of what I don’t have in my life…..someone to call to talk about the broken washer and help me figure out what were going to do next.

Sometimes the people in your life who are not supposed to make you feel alone, end up doing just that.

Watch This News Anchor Go on an Epic Rant About Why Fifty Shades of Grey Is the Worst Movie Ever

This woman is spot on in her review of 50 Shades of Grey…..it is nothing but an abusive relationship, both physically and emotionally, that has a fairy tale ending where they fall in love and live happily ever after……it is sending a dangerous message to all young women. Domestic violence and abuse never ends well.

The Innocent Casualties of Addiction

I remember when Whitney Houston died.  Her daughter Bobbie Christina only 18 years old.  As I watched the news coverage and read the tweets I became deeply disturbed.  People were saying the most horrible things.  I remember thinking that, like any other 18-year-old, her daughter was online reading these things.  I remember thinking any chance that poor girl, who had just lost her beloved Mother, was destroyed further by a bunch of ignorant strangers.

Losing your Mother is difficult enough at 18.  Compound that with all those people hiding behind a computer screen, saying her Mother DESERVED to die because she suffered from addiction, and I knew then her life was going to be an uphill battle at best.

In my mind, all those people with their careless mouths and their uneducated views on drug addiction have a hand in where Bobbie Christina is right now.

The fact that they had to do CPR is not a good sign at all.  I strongly suspect that the family is struggling with a decision to terminate life support. Imagine that.

Imagine that you wrote those tweets or comments that she saw.  You laughed at the jokes made at the expense of her Mother.  Those comments ridiculing the Mother that she loved so deeply.  What do you think that did to her already broken heart?

I think we all know what it did now but, it’s too late…isn’t it?

Your Fatal Error

I walked into the room and was bombarded with lies.

At first, I was shocked and intimidated.

Then, I was enraged.

Then, my mind started to work.

Then, I remembered that I had actual, legal proof that you were lying.

I lost my cool in a big way but, holy fuck did I make my point.

Then, your face turned white.

Everyone in the room knew you were lying.

I almost felt bad for you.  Almost.

When I calmed down, I realized something.

I realized how strong I am.

That’s a good thing.

Because nothing is more difficult that having to pick up the pieces of your own children’s broken hearts.

Dying To Be Free

Excellent article about the inadequate and antiquated treatments for people suffering from the disease of addiction. Things need to change.

All Things Chronic

There’s A Treatment For Heroin Addiction That Actually Works.Why Aren’t We Using It?

http://projects.huffingtonpost.com/dying-to-be-free-heroin-treatment

The last image we have of Patrick Cagey is of his first moments as a free man. He has just walked out of a 30-day drug treatment center in Georgetown, Kentucky, dressed in gym clothes and carrying a Nike duffel bag…

He had been a dominant wrestler in high school… (Thinking about you, Cameron.)

(I’m also thinking about how sports and athletics can injure and maim kids before they even get the chance to become adults.)

In the months before Patrick’s death, Sydney Pangallo, 23, a recent Recovery Works alumna, suffered a fatal overdose. Dan Kerwin, 23, attended a Recovery Works program in the spring, and his sister found him dead of an overdose during the July 4th weekend. Tabatha Roland, 24, suffered a fatal overdose in April — one week after graduating…

View original post 1,252 more words