I know that seems kind of extreme. I think it’s been the month…maybe its the lack of sunshine….maybe it just been 50 different things going wrong in a short period of time. I usually handle things relatively well but, here I sit, tears streaming down my face because my washing machine broke. The drier was already broken. Well, it dried the clothes but, it took a while because the heating element burned out. It did dry them though.
I think this whole thing started the week before I went to court to get full custody of my daughter. My anxiety was through the roof a full week prior…peaked when the guy who was so broke walked into court with a Lawyer telling lies right to my face. I mean do or say anything to me but DON’T ever tell me something about myself that isn’t true. The real truth was revealed thanks to my excellent record keeping but, to hear the Father of your two children say those things just so he could save a buck…..it took the wind out of me. It felt like I was seeing the evidence of how little he cared about them presented in front of me. I honestly don’t care what he or anyone has to say about me. It was that he was motivated to say these things to save himself money. That hurt me more than anything. He used to be a good father. Now, neither of my kids will even talk to him. I feel their pain physically. It drained me to know that he cared so little about them.
So, I need a new washer and dryer and my kids are sad. I have a male friend (the one who sent me the confusing poem) who simply adores me and would do anything for me but, there’s always a fucking ‘but’, isn’t there. He pursued a relationship and then pulled out the “I am not ready”, rug out from under me. I see him and everything is great ,and then I leave and who know what’s really going on.
Now, I am stuck going to a black tie event with him on Saturday and the only good think I can think of about it is that I will have a designated driver and a decent meal…..the rest I don’t even want to think about. I don’t understand it. If I am not into someone I don’t go out with them nevermind buy them things and bring them places. I just tell them that I am not into them in a kind way. With this guy its mixed messages central. I feel bad every time I see him because I think it’s going to change…it feels like it has changes and then I go home and realize nothing has changed.
I am going to see a house tomorrow so we might be moving in two weeks. Yes, I said two weeks. I have nothing packed. Luckily, I keep throwing things away that I don’t use so it won’t be that awful but, it’s over-the-top stressful to move in the best circumstances.
`With all this going on, the last thing I need right now is to get all dressed up and go out Saturday night. It’s too late to cancel…I made a promise. I’m just afraid the wine will get to me and I will start crying on the way home. I know this is the last time I will see him. He doesn’t know that.
I think I’m just going to tell him I’m crying because my washer and dryer are both broken. Then I will tell him I can’t see him anymore between wiping my eye makeup all over my face and blowing my nose. Knowing him, I will have a new washer and dryer delivered the next day because he is genuinely a kind (but, horribly confused) person but, I know I need to end things for good. I feel like a Yoyo. I would never do that to someone so, why is he doing it to me? I keep telling him that something is wrong but I won’t tell him what. He keeps telling me he is here for me….drawing me in deeper, only to give me the already heard, ‘I am not ready for more’, speech. Last time he started, I interrupted him and basically said all the things he was going to say. That’s how many times I’ve heard it. I’m bored with it now.
I just have to keep thinking that in a month all of this will be over. New house. No “boyfriend”. My children’s Father will crawl back into his hole. I will get a new washer and dryer and my life will be back to normal. I will be blissfully alone. My life devoid of men. Apparently, having one around breaks my concentration so when something minor like an appliance breaks it throws me overboard. If I’m alone, all I have to do is figure out how I’m going to solve my latest problem. I am better alone More centered.
I was talking to an old friend today. I asked her if her husband would be going to the event with her Saturday night and the floodgates broke. She started telling me that she is horribly unhappy and how emotionally abusive this man, who she once loved, is. He told her that no one will ever love her. What kind of thing is that to say to the Mother of your children. I’m sort of glad he isn’t going because I would have made a comment or two to him. I asked her why she stays and she says she it to afraid to raise her kids on her own.
That got me thinking. I do cry over things like appliances but, I don’t have to live with someone who emotionally abuses me…so, maybe my life isn’t so bad. Now, I just have to get rid of Mr Indecisive and maybe a broken washer won’t make me cry. I am positive if he were not in my life I would be reacting in a more appropriate manner. He just serves as a reminder to me of what I don’t have in my life…..someone to call to talk about the broken washer and help me figure out what were going to do next.
Sometimes the people in your life who are not supposed to make you feel alone, end up doing just that.
10 Years a Single Mom 