Apparently, I’m A Bitch

So, I am at the Motley Crue concert with my niece.  She mentioned that she wanted to see them which, surprised me because she is only 18 years old.  It was her birthday last week so, being her favorite Aunt, I took her.  Alice Cooper is touring with them and let me tell you, that 72-year-old man was amazing!  When he went off stage, I turned to my niece and told her that if Alice Cooper was that incredibly good then, Motley Crue was going to blow her mind!

The lights start to go down.  We had great seats!  This giant man starts to walk past us at exactly the moment Motley Crue was coming on.  Now, a normal person would understand this and quickly walk past to get to their seat, right?  Well, THIS guy stops, sees that I have my camera ready and TURNS AROUND to watch the show right in front of me as he was squashing me into my seat.  I yelled, “please move on”.  He turns around and looks at me and then turns to continue watching the concert begin.  I then yell again, “PLEASE get out of my way”!  He hears me and continues to stand there while his friend who is behind his is urging him to continue walking to his seat.  I then YELL, “Will you get the fuck (I swear….sorry) out of my way”!  He turns and yells BACK at me and gives me that ‘wanna go’ look.    He just stands there and stares me down.   I am a Nurse so, I boldly stare back.  I mean, what was he going to do?  Hit me?  I then have to ask him AGAIN to get out of my way and I  said it the same way as the last time I said it.  He finally moves on, staring me down as he walked past and beyond.  He then yells, “You’re a BITCH”!  Wait, was that supposed to reduce me to a puddle of tears?  Was I supposed to feel intimidated?  Insulted?  Yawn.  I gave him an amused look and forgot about him.  As a Mom, I would be horrified if my son ever treated a woman or anyone like that.

Why is it that anytime a woman tries to stand up for herself she is a bitch?  I was nice at first…he is the one who would not move.  Was I supposed to bow to his masculinity and miss the start of the concert?  I don’t think that will ever happen…now with me, anyway.  I instantly forgot about him, and went on to see the best concert I have ever seen in my life.  My niece LOVED it and said it was the best concert she had ever seen in her life!

Turns out he was in the wrong row to begin with.  Dumbass.

NA and DPH- When the Help is not Helping

http://10yearsasinglemom.com/2015/01/19/the-agony-of-ignorance/

http://10yearsasinglemom.com/2015/03/10/an-open-letter-to-anyone-considering-suicide-as-a-solution/

In order to get most of what I am talking about it might be helpful to go back and read the two previous blog posts that I linked to above.

When I first got caught I was told to start going to NA meetings.  It was more like a mandate.  I was asked every week what meeting I had attended and where.  I was terrified NOT to go so I began going to NA meetings.  I met there a group of very sweet, kind but, completely broken people.  None of them could hold a job.  I saw no progress in my time there.  All I saw, were people who were going to 3 to 5 meetings a week.  Missing one, even to be with loved ones, was not an option.   A broken Nail would propel them to a meeting so that they wouldn’t use….I’m not kidding….a broken fingernail.

I was introduced to the 12 steps and told to find a sponsor.  I looked through the 12 steps and thought, there is no way I am doing all this.  I don’t believe in God so, was I supposed to imagine a higher power?  Why couldn’t I just work on myself and believe in myself?  I was basically told that thinking I could believe in myself was the drugs talking…holy crap, are you kidding?

As I sat in on these meetings, I saw what the message was- keep yourself feeling bad…never feel bad enough to use and never feel good enough because you might use.  One day, I went to a meeting and had gotten some very good news that day so, I shared it with the group.  I was happy for the first time in months.  It felt good.  I was told by a chorus NOT to be happy because I might use!  Now, this might be necessary for some but, I was  Nurse, a Mom, I had accomplished things in my life.  The whole point for me of getting help was to get my life back on track.  I was astounded that they told me I could not be happy.  I can’t tell you how many times I was hit on in those meetings.  A guy wearing an ankle bracelet tried to pick me up multiple times.  I was not there to find a date for God’s sake!

I was also seeing a counselor weekly.  I told him that I didn’t see how NA was going to help me.  He told me to try AA.  I went to my first and last meeting in one day.  The moment I started talking and they found out I was not an alcoholic but, had used narcotics I could feel the room silently judge me as not worthy of their meeting.  I was not imagining things.  Someone actually walked up to me after the meeting and TOLD me to go to NA.  AA thinks they are more élite than NA….well, isn’t THAT fucking healthy.  The next time I went to my counselor (who was an AA lifer) he said, “Oh, yeah…I should have told you to tell them you had a drinking problem.  They don’t like the people who go to NA”.   I’m supposed to be helped by an organization full of people who act like they are still in High school.  The fact that my counselor told me to LIE was not lost on me either.  This was my help.

The DPH (Department of Public Health) was worse.  They wanted to cause me harm.  I was first contacted by them by a drug enforcement agent.  She was there to investigate my diversion.  She was the one and only person from that department to treat me with any respect or dignity.  She encountered one new Nurse a week who was diverting and knew how horribly painful the whole process could be.  I am eternally grateful to her for her kindness.

The next DPH person who contacted me was the prosecutor.  I picked up the phone and she started threatening me, screaming at me and telling me how I was going to lose my license and never work as a nurse again.  When I could finally get a word in, I told her to shut up and listen to me because this was my life and my kids lives she was threatening me with.  I didn’t take very kindly to that.  I think she was so shocked that someone stood up to her she couldn’t speak.  She calmly listened to me and quickly realized that I was not someone she could walk on.  When my case went before the board she hugged me afterward and told me she knew I was going to make it.

After that, I was given a 4 year consent order (probationary period).  If at any time during that 4 years I was thought to have disobeyed the consent order my license would be suspended and maybe lost.  One of the terms of the consent order was that I could not eat poppy seeds for four years because it might show up as opioid use on the drug test.  So, now I was taking a drug test that was not always accurate…how reassuring.  I feared everything I ate would throw my drug test.  I feared taking motrin for a headache because, I was told it could give me a positive result.  This is where the fun really began.  Bonnie at the DPH was in charge of all of us delinquent Nurses.   My Boss and therapist had to submit monthly reports the first year, quarterly reports the next two years and then back to monthly reports the last year,  Our every action was under scrutiny.  If we called out too often at work, didn’t get along with a co-worker, were late too often, missed an appointment with our therapist, and many other reasons unrelated to drug use we were called by Bonnie or her assistant and verbally admonished and our license was threatened.  We had to submit to random drug tests and if for any reason we couldn’t make it the day we were called to, our license was threatened.  I was under constant, unrelenting stress for four years even though I was NOT using drugs at all.  If our therapist or boss did not fax the reports on us when they were supposed to it was our fault and responsibility.  I can’t tell you how many times I got a call on a friday evening at 4pm and was left a message from DPH telling me the reports were not in and they better be by monday or my license would be pulled.  Now, I was left with a weekend to worry and freak out because I was so afraid and there was nothing I could do to fix it because it was a weekend!

I was diagnosed with PTSD, not because of my drug abuse but, because of the constant fear I was put under for 4 years.  I am just starting to be able to get the mail out of my mailbox daily like a normal person.  I lived in fear of getting a letter threatening me from DPH so, I would not get my mail for, sometimes, weeks at a time.  I hated it each time my phone rang for fear it was them calling to threaten me.

I am just starting to be the person I used to be, although, I will never be the same.  Four years of unrelenting stress changes you.  Having you License dangled in front of you for four years changes you.  I had many points during that time that I wanted to just tell DPH to pull my license because it was killing me to be so stressed.  The funny part is not one time during that four years, I did not think of using drugs once….not one time.

This whole experience has left me acutely aware of how easily someone with authority of you can abuse that authority and destroy your life.  When you are a licensed professional you covet that license.  It is precious to you.  To have it under unrelenting attack is horrifying.  I love being a Nurse.  It is a huge part of my identity.  I am good at what I do.  I am an asset to my profession.

What was done to me was 100% punitive.  My consent order is attached to my License until I retire.  It is there for the world to see.  if I lose my present job I will not get another one.  I have applied for hundreds of jobs, as an experiment, and have never received one call.  They look up your license first, and if it has that little red x next to your name they skip over you without even giving you a chance.  I am marked for life in my profession.  My personal health issue is on public record for the world to see.  HIPPA doesn’t apply to me.

Apparently, science is irrelevant when it comes to impaired Nurses.  If I ever treated one of my impaired patients in this manner, I would be fired.

I love being a Nurse but, it will be a joyous day for me when I can let my license lapse, retire, and forget I was ever a Nurse.

If not for the love of my children, I never would have made it through all of this.  I still resent the DPH for the part of me they stole from my children in those four years.  That was the worst crime in all of this.

People With Too Much Spare Time

One of the things I love most about WordPress is the sense of community.  It it wonderful to find support, learn that you are not the only one going through something, and even learn about other peoples life experiences.  Most of the people I have encountered here are amazing and kind.

Several months ago, I posted a comment to another persons blog.  That comment resulted in someone else, who is widely known to bully, actually finding me on facebook and sending me a friend request with their fake profile.  This profile had a picture of an animal for the profile picture and all of their friends also had animal pictures for the profile picture….18 of them.  Upon further investigation by a good friend of mine in law enforcement I found out all their information….name, address, age, and so on.

That Facebook request was a rather thinly veiled threat…a form of intimidation.  They wanted me to know they found me which is funny because I wasn’t hiding in the first place so, it was rather easy.  Now, most people who know me know that I don’t participate in juvenile behavior like that.  I don’t hide behind a computer screen and try to scare people or attempt to bully them.  I don’t use my blog to rant and rave about another person.  I find that behavior pathetic.  I don’t have to use my blog to try and prove anything because I have never once in my life bullied or harassed anyone for any reason.  I feel sorry for someone who participates in behavior like that.  I look at any threat to me as a threat to my family and that does not sit well with me.

When I first got the friend request ,it was a little unnerving but, I quickly realized that my law enforcement friend would do whatever it took to protect me.  I am not sure why people do this kind of thing.  It is odd and sad at the same time.

I do, however, feel a tinge of envy that someone has enough free time in their life to spend it harassing people they don’t even know.  I am too busy to even post here on WordPress!  Then I think about it and have come to the conclusion that I would rather be as busy as I am than to be so alone in my life that I have the free time to terrorize people for no reason.

I have people who love me, depend on me and make my life full.

I guess that is the reason that bullying someone doesn’t even enter my mind.

Because I am loved.

I Deleted My Facebook

This might surprise a lot of people but, my kids have not been on Facebook for years.  My son told me a long time ago that he didn’t want to be on it because, it was a massive invasion of privacy.  While most parents were worrying themselves about their kids online activity, I was didn’t have to worry about that at all.  My kids limit their online activity to only people they know in real life and interact with on a regular basis.

I have become increasingly concerned about online privacy.  We live in a world where a teacher on vacation posted a picture of her holding a fruity alcoholic drink and she loses her job!  The first thing I did a long time ago was delete anyone I worked with.  I don’t do anything wrong but, who knows what can offend someone and then come to the attention of my superiors.  I then deleted people I don’t even talk to or see.  I was then down to 137 friends…a lof of them family.

Then last week, I had that issue with that man I don’t know calling me a Nazi and posting my picture with derogatory comments about blonde women.  I still have no idea how he got my name and picture because my privacy setting were set to friends only.  I reported him to Facebook and they told me he did not violate their terms of service.

My response to their lack of action was to delete my Facebook.  The people on there that I know and love have my phone number.  I never really looked on Facebook anyway.

You might be thinking….”Hey, Trish you post a lot of stuff here” but, this is different.  I am an open book on here.  I post about my struggles to help others.  I post here to give single Moms a little hope and maybe a lot of strength.  I know how hard it is to take care of two children completely alone all the while working full time.

Facebook is full of happy people with fantastic lives and that’s not real.  Real life is messy sometimes and that’s OK.  Sometimes, it’s uplifting to know that someone has felt the way you are feeling and gotten through it.

I should listen to my kids more often.  That’s the funny part.

I wonder if anyone will even notice I am gone…….

1st American Idol Winner, Kelly Clarkson gets mocked of by Chris Wallace because of her weight – Give us your thoughts?

I am willing to bet if Chris Wallace had to walk around with his tiny man parts hanging out all day for the world to see he wouldn’t be so quick to put women down.  Just sayin.

Only insecure people bully!!

Want to help prevent online bullying? Comment on Facebook

The sad response to the Monica Lewinsky Ted Talk on Bullying from the Cowards hiding behind a keyboard citing right to free speech as their excuse to bully. Cowards.

Yes, Adults Bullying Children is Alive and Well

I was divorced when my children were 5 and 7 years old.  I raised them to be honest, thoughtful, kind children.  The manner in which I was raising them, did not suddenly change when I signed my divorce papers.  The school they went to and their young ages, created an environment where they were surrounded by kids living in two parent homes.  My own parents were divorced in 1977.  In those days no one got divorced…rather it was less common.  We lived on a cul-de-sac in a great neighborhood.  The second my parents separated, my older sister and I lost our babysitting jobs…the neighborhood kids shunned us and eventually we were the target of their bullying.  Thankfully, that stopped because we moved shortly after although, I don’t remember caring much about what they said to us…it was just a mild discomfort to me.  Looking back on it, I can see how painful it would be to a child to be made fun of simply because their parents were divorcing.  Divorce is hard enough on kids, never mind having to deal with schoolyard bullies, right?

Fast forward to my own divorce.  The kids  in my children’s classes never made fun of them or treated them differently when they became the children of divorced parents.  To my utter and complete shock, it was the parents of the other children and their own Stepmother who became the bullies to my children. Suddenly, my children were to be watched closely.  I had no idea any of this was going on until it came to my attention in three different ways.

The first indication of adult bullying of my children, came from their own Father’s house.  My daughter came home in tears to me one day telling me that her Stepmother had accused her of stealing her stepsister’s gum.  I thought it was a misunderstanding but, when I spoke to her Father about it he was convinced she did it.  At first, I thought maybe she did do it but, what’s the big deal…my sisters stole from each other on a daily basis…especially if it was GUM!  Shortly after this my son was accused by his Stepmother of stealing a significant amount of money.  Mind you, there were the same two kids who literally thought the police were going to stop us at the doors of the movie theater for smuggling in candy to avoid paying quadruple the cost from the concession stand…..so, now I was more interested in the issue.  I talked to my son and truly believed him when he told me he didn’t take anything.  I spoke to his Father who was convinced that he took the money.  From that moment on, they were accused so many times of stealing in that house that they would go there and lock themselves in their rooms.  They were even fearful to walk down to the kitchen to get something to eat so, often went hungry.

The second instance of adult bullying came from, what I thought, was a good friend of mine.  She was married and our kids spent lots of time together playing as we talked and laughed and had fun.  Then one day she accused my daughter of stealing a dance video game disc.  This made no sense because the only way to play the game was if you also had the touch sensitive pads to put on the floor to dance on. She couldn’t ever play the game without them so, why would she steal it??  My ‘friend’ found the disc three days later but, on my end the damage was already done…she could no longer be trusted if she would misplace something and immediately come to the conclusion that my daughter took it.  I never spoke to her again and oddly enough she tried to friend me on Facebook a couple of years ago as if nothing ever happened.  Dummy.

The third person who accused one of my children of stealing something was my old neighbor.  My son would often hang out with her son.  She was also divorced.  One day she came to me and told me my son had stolen her son’s Gameboy.  I asked my son if he did already knowing what his answer would be. He told me no so, I told her that he didn’t steal it.  She stormed off angrily and I didn’t hear from her until a few days later when she called to tell me the Gameboy had turned up.  Her spin on it was that my son had figured out he was in trouble and put it back.  The only problem with that theory was that my son had not entered her house once after the Gameboy had been misplaced.  When I brought this to her attention, her response was to tell me that he must have somehow gotten it back in her house.  Seriously??

From then on, I picked my friends carefully.  My children literally avoided going to their friends houses and to this day are more introverted than most.  These adult bullies had changed the way they viewed the world.  They knew that they couldn’t trust people.  What an awful lesson to learn at the hands of ignorant adults.  The only revenge I really have is that my children have grown up to be the most trustworthy, amazing kids I know.  The fact that they had me on their side was not lost on them.  We talked in length about these three events and I successfully conveyed to them that the problem was not with them.  The one big way a bully wins, is if their target believes what the bully is saying or doing.

Now that I look back on these events, I am blown away by the realization that the same generation who tried to bully me and my sisters when we were young, grew up to bully my own children.  These people grew up to be adults who felt so bad about themselves that they made innocent children the targets of their self hate.  Now, THAT is sad.  I took care of them with my own children the same way I did for myself when I was young……ignore them and go on to live my life.  Luckily, I was present enough in my children’s lives enough to fight for them when I had to and to teach them about what was really at play there.  How shameful that adults act in this manner.  When I see all the news about bullies these days I know one thing to be true….bullies are raised to be the way that they are.  There is no excuse in the word for a child or an adult to act as a bully.  If they are that only means one thing….they are living with a parent who is bullying others or they are being bullied by that parent.  Either way, if the behavior is not taken care of at home they will grow up to repeat the pattern.

It is sad when a child bullies another child.  It is pathetic when an adult bullies a child.

Monica Lewinsky and Why the Word ‘Slut’ Is Still So Potent

Monica Lewinski did an amazing TED talk (I am addicted to TED talks) on public humiliation and bullying. I admire her for surviving something so horrific and going on to help others!!

Sam Hunt and My Son

Sam Hunt Takes on Domestic Violence in his video for his song, “Take your time”.  He portrays a young man who witnesses domestic violence in a family and intervenes to assist the young woman and her baby in their escape.  I see my son in Sam….I see his loving and protective nature.  I know my son would never stand by and let something like this happen.  I have told him all his life, not to listen to society.

I have told him to protect the women in his life, his sister, his Mother, his own future daughter.  I tell him to protect anyone who he sees that needs it.

That is what a man is.  That I managed to raise him to be the man he is, without the benefit of a Father or any other positive male roll model, makes me happy.

I know a lot of single Mothers worry about raising boys without a male in their lives.  My son is proof that it can be done.

The Beauty of Being a Persistent Person

Eight years ago, I moved into a house in the town where my children had been going to school their entire lives.  When I moved in the landlord said he was planning on selling the house in 12 years.  I thought that was great because my children would graduate High school and after that it didn’t really matter where we lived.  We got a rescue dog and settled in.  About 3 years into it living there, the landlord started telling me he was going to sell the house.  He would flip-flop between selling and not selling on a weekly basis.  He was also stealing electricity from me for 8 years to supply a bay of 6 garages that he rented out but, I stayed because there were no other options in my town.  The bathroom floor was rotted out so, the bathroom was literally falling into the basement…that was scary.  This stressed me out enormously because, the town I live in is almost 100% single family homes that are in the $400,000 plus price range so finding another place seemed nearly impossible.  The last month we were in the house the downstairs of the house had little heat and would only get up to 50 degrees at night and the landlord refused to fix it.  He simply told me that there was only another month or so of cold weather and to deal with it.  I eventually called the health department and boy did that piss him off.  He sent me notice to vacate the house.

The other stressful thing that was going on was that my children did not see their father anymore.  What was supposed to be shared custody, was now me having full custody for the last eight years.  I wanted to take him back to court to increase child support because I was in desperate need of money since I was providing 100% of their care and the child support was based on shared custody.  If I brought him back to court and then had to move out-of-town because my landlord sold the house they would have to change schools…something I was trying to avoid at all cost.  If the school found out they were living in another town and that I had full custody they would literally arrest me for sending them to their old school.  This is common practice in Connecticut….to arrest parents for sending their children to a school system in a different town than where they lived.

So, I was living with less financial support than my kids deserved and just waiting for my landlord to tell me he was selling.  It got to the point where the sight of him sent me into a panic.  The thought of making my children change schools killed me.  The school system they are in is amazing.  They had already lost so much in their lives so, losing their friends and the life they had built would break my heart into a million pieces.  I was stuck under both their thumbs…my ex-husband and my landlord.  I was stuck like this for five years.

My Landlord broke it to me last October that I had to be out of the house by June.  My biggest fear realized.  Then in November my Ex-Husband stopped paying support for my son who turned 18 in November but, was still living with me full-time and attending college full-time.  He then told me he was going to claim the kids on his taxes even though he literally spent a total of 2 hours with them in the previous year.  I told him I would take him to court.  He didn’t believe I would and kept on with the threats until one day I had enough.  He was served by the Marshall on December 23….Merry Fucking Christmas deadbeat Dad.

Court was very stressful.  I didn’t have a lawyer but, Mr. “I am so broke”, walked in with his beautifully tailored suit and Lawyer in tow.  We went into the mediators office first.  Mistake number one was when his Lawyer began with this one sentence “You have been keeping him from his kids”.  My mind went into a rage.  This was a flat-out lie.  I know a lot of parents do this to each other but, I was not one of them.  I had done everything I could possibly do to facilitate a relationship between my children and their Father…he just wasn’t interested…he flat out didn’t care.  My head was reeling that someone could walk into a courthouse and lie like that.  Then his Lawyer told me that my ex and I never had a verbal agreement that I would claim both kids on my taxes because I was providing more than 50% of their care.  Another lie.  I looked straight at my ex and said, “So, this is how this is going down?  You are going into a courtroom, in front of a judge, and you are going to lie”.  The color left his face.  I was enraged.  Slowly, my mind began to work again.  You see, when he decided not to be a Father anymore I brought my kids to counseling to help them deal with it.  The counselor urged him many times to attend counseling to no avail.  It was all on record.  Legal documents.  I had him.  If the judge saw that he was lying about me blocking his access to my children then she would not believe that for four years, I claimed both kids on my taxes and he didn’t notice.  The lie that we did not have a verbal agreement would be revealed.

I then told his Lawyer that I would love to go to trial.  He looked at me perplexed.  I was supposed to be an intimidated, shrinking violet.  He had clearly lost control of the situation.  He ushered my Ex out of the room.  When they came back, they agreed not to go back for the tax money from me claiming both kids but, he still wanted to claim one.  I said No.  they talked.  I kept saying no.  I stood my ground.  Finally they gave up.  I even got my Daughter’s child support increased.  I went in there without a Lawyer and still won what was best for my children.  I actually, think I was better off without a Lawyer.  Persistence.

With that battle over the next worry was a place to live.  I began looking as soon as my tax return hit my bank account.  It was discouraging.  I found one house for rent for $6000 a month!!  I kept looking and ran across a house in my price range.  I called and he had already found someone to rent to.  I kept looking but, on a whim I called him back a couple of weeks later.  He told me the deal fell through and I made arrangements to see the house.  It is an over-sized Cape in a great area.  I told him right then and there I would write him a check and signed a lease the next day.  We moved seven days later and I am in love with the new place and best of all my daughter will graduate with her friends.  Persistence.

I can breathe now.  I am not under anyone’s thumb.  I feel free.  I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.  If it were not for the pit bull I turn into in regard for my children’s well-being we would not be in the beautiful position that we are.  I am one bad ass single Mother.