My Sisters…….

 

So many things are happening around me to the people I love.  I spent the day with my best friend from High School who lost her son in October.  I feel good that she knows she can tell me anything, no matter how dark, about what she is going through and she knows that somehow I get it….I guess that’s how it is with someone you’ve known since you were 15.  I love that girl like she is my sister.  Losing is child is a journey that will not end for her until she breathes her last breath.  I loved her son…I can still see is beautiful smile.  It still doesn’t feel real that he is gone.  I talk to her about him…people avoid doing that with parents who have lost their child in an attempt to save them from feeling more pain but, they do want to talk.  I get that now.

My sister called me tonight.  Since she found out she had cancer she isolated herself from almost everyone.  I have been calling, leaving messages, and texting her daily just to let her know I am here.  When I saw he name of an incoming phone call I was so relieved.  We talked for hours.  She has seemed to come out of the fog that has been surrounding her and I am grateful for that.  She has 2 years of treatments ahead of her.   She will survive this.

My youngest sister is facing a divorce of her own doing.  I feel for her but, she made it happen.  Her husband is not a perfect man but, he did love her.  She threw it away in favor of her drug abuse.  she started out with prescription drugs but, I have no idea what it has escalated to.  I tried for years and years to get her help.  I tried every trick in the book.  Nothing worked.  I just told her how much I love her and that I am here for her if she needed to get help.  That is all I can do.  My baby sister.

My middle sister is in a mess of her own.  Because of her neglect of my beautiful niece my 15-year-old niece is pregnant.  I am in shock.  My sister’s life has been spiraling out of control for 2 years since the father of he daughters suddenly died.  I have tried everything to help her, too.  She doesn’t want my help and now hates me because I called child protective services on her for the neglect.  She is involved with a horrible man.  After a million phone calls to DCF I finally got them to get a court order keeping him away from my nieces.  That only made my sister practically move out of the apartment she shared with my nieces and into the horrible man’s place.  That left 2 young teens with free reign to do whatever they felt like doing….like any teen would be thrilled to do and DCF did nothing to stop it even though the girls had plenty of good, safe place to be.  Now my niece, who held so much promise in her life with her beautiful mind and kind heart will be a mother by Christmas.  I tried for 2 years to get my sister the help she needed.

Then there are my two.  My Son and Daughter.  The two of them best friends.  I love to listen to them talk when I am in another room.  I wanted them to be close and they are.  My son on the dean’s list in college….starting his third year in september.  My baby girl just got her first job.  Taking 3 AP classes in her senior year of high school.  Both of them ready to take on the world.  Both of them doing what it takes to build their lives.  If you talk to them they will tell you that I had nothing to do with the direction they are headed in.  When they say that I bite my tongue.  I stop myself from telling them how hard I worked to keep them on the right track.  Maybe they will realize that when they are older.

My sisters are a mess.  Right now, I am like a bird without my wings.  When I cry I cry alone.  No one holds me.  no one tells me it’s going to be ok.  This is not the first time in this position for me.  What makes me hold on are my children.  I have held on for them through seemingly insurmountable situations in the past and I will continue to do so.  I have to.  I love them so deeply and completely.

While at the time I am a helpless Sister, I am a devoted Mother and no one can take that away from me.

 

 

 

 

 

NA and DPH- When the Help is not Helping

http://10yearsasinglemom.com/2015/01/19/the-agony-of-ignorance/

http://10yearsasinglemom.com/2015/03/10/an-open-letter-to-anyone-considering-suicide-as-a-solution/

In order to get most of what I am talking about it might be helpful to go back and read the two previous blog posts that I linked to above.

When I first got caught I was told to start going to NA meetings.  It was more like a mandate.  I was asked every week what meeting I had attended and where.  I was terrified NOT to go so I began going to NA meetings.  I met there a group of very sweet, kind but, completely broken people.  None of them could hold a job.  I saw no progress in my time there.  All I saw, were people who were going to 3 to 5 meetings a week.  Missing one, even to be with loved ones, was not an option.   A broken Nail would propel them to a meeting so that they wouldn’t use….I’m not kidding….a broken fingernail.

I was introduced to the 12 steps and told to find a sponsor.  I looked through the 12 steps and thought, there is no way I am doing all this.  I don’t believe in God so, was I supposed to imagine a higher power?  Why couldn’t I just work on myself and believe in myself?  I was basically told that thinking I could believe in myself was the drugs talking…holy crap, are you kidding?

As I sat in on these meetings, I saw what the message was- keep yourself feeling bad…never feel bad enough to use and never feel good enough because you might use.  One day, I went to a meeting and had gotten some very good news that day so, I shared it with the group.  I was happy for the first time in months.  It felt good.  I was told by a chorus NOT to be happy because I might use!  Now, this might be necessary for some but, I was  Nurse, a Mom, I had accomplished things in my life.  The whole point for me of getting help was to get my life back on track.  I was astounded that they told me I could not be happy.  I can’t tell you how many times I was hit on in those meetings.  A guy wearing an ankle bracelet tried to pick me up multiple times.  I was not there to find a date for God’s sake!

I was also seeing a counselor weekly.  I told him that I didn’t see how NA was going to help me.  He told me to try AA.  I went to my first and last meeting in one day.  The moment I started talking and they found out I was not an alcoholic but, had used narcotics I could feel the room silently judge me as not worthy of their meeting.  I was not imagining things.  Someone actually walked up to me after the meeting and TOLD me to go to NA.  AA thinks they are more élite than NA….well, isn’t THAT fucking healthy.  The next time I went to my counselor (who was an AA lifer) he said, “Oh, yeah…I should have told you to tell them you had a drinking problem.  They don’t like the people who go to NA”.   I’m supposed to be helped by an organization full of people who act like they are still in High school.  The fact that my counselor told me to LIE was not lost on me either.  This was my help.

The DPH (Department of Public Health) was worse.  They wanted to cause me harm.  I was first contacted by them by a drug enforcement agent.  She was there to investigate my diversion.  She was the one and only person from that department to treat me with any respect or dignity.  She encountered one new Nurse a week who was diverting and knew how horribly painful the whole process could be.  I am eternally grateful to her for her kindness.

The next DPH person who contacted me was the prosecutor.  I picked up the phone and she started threatening me, screaming at me and telling me how I was going to lose my license and never work as a nurse again.  When I could finally get a word in, I told her to shut up and listen to me because this was my life and my kids lives she was threatening me with.  I didn’t take very kindly to that.  I think she was so shocked that someone stood up to her she couldn’t speak.  She calmly listened to me and quickly realized that I was not someone she could walk on.  When my case went before the board she hugged me afterward and told me she knew I was going to make it.

After that, I was given a 4 year consent order (probationary period).  If at any time during that 4 years I was thought to have disobeyed the consent order my license would be suspended and maybe lost.  One of the terms of the consent order was that I could not eat poppy seeds for four years because it might show up as opioid use on the drug test.  So, now I was taking a drug test that was not always accurate…how reassuring.  I feared everything I ate would throw my drug test.  I feared taking motrin for a headache because, I was told it could give me a positive result.  This is where the fun really began.  Bonnie at the DPH was in charge of all of us delinquent Nurses.   My Boss and therapist had to submit monthly reports the first year, quarterly reports the next two years and then back to monthly reports the last year,  Our every action was under scrutiny.  If we called out too often at work, didn’t get along with a co-worker, were late too often, missed an appointment with our therapist, and many other reasons unrelated to drug use we were called by Bonnie or her assistant and verbally admonished and our license was threatened.  We had to submit to random drug tests and if for any reason we couldn’t make it the day we were called to, our license was threatened.  I was under constant, unrelenting stress for four years even though I was NOT using drugs at all.  If our therapist or boss did not fax the reports on us when they were supposed to it was our fault and responsibility.  I can’t tell you how many times I got a call on a friday evening at 4pm and was left a message from DPH telling me the reports were not in and they better be by monday or my license would be pulled.  Now, I was left with a weekend to worry and freak out because I was so afraid and there was nothing I could do to fix it because it was a weekend!

I was diagnosed with PTSD, not because of my drug abuse but, because of the constant fear I was put under for 4 years.  I am just starting to be able to get the mail out of my mailbox daily like a normal person.  I lived in fear of getting a letter threatening me from DPH so, I would not get my mail for, sometimes, weeks at a time.  I hated it each time my phone rang for fear it was them calling to threaten me.

I am just starting to be the person I used to be, although, I will never be the same.  Four years of unrelenting stress changes you.  Having you License dangled in front of you for four years changes you.  I had many points during that time that I wanted to just tell DPH to pull my license because it was killing me to be so stressed.  The funny part is not one time during that four years, I did not think of using drugs once….not one time.

This whole experience has left me acutely aware of how easily someone with authority of you can abuse that authority and destroy your life.  When you are a licensed professional you covet that license.  It is precious to you.  To have it under unrelenting attack is horrifying.  I love being a Nurse.  It is a huge part of my identity.  I am good at what I do.  I am an asset to my profession.

What was done to me was 100% punitive.  My consent order is attached to my License until I retire.  It is there for the world to see.  if I lose my present job I will not get another one.  I have applied for hundreds of jobs, as an experiment, and have never received one call.  They look up your license first, and if it has that little red x next to your name they skip over you without even giving you a chance.  I am marked for life in my profession.  My personal health issue is on public record for the world to see.  HIPPA doesn’t apply to me.

Apparently, science is irrelevant when it comes to impaired Nurses.  If I ever treated one of my impaired patients in this manner, I would be fired.

I love being a Nurse but, it will be a joyous day for me when I can let my license lapse, retire, and forget I was ever a Nurse.

If not for the love of my children, I never would have made it through all of this.  I still resent the DPH for the part of me they stole from my children in those four years.  That was the worst crime in all of this.

Mrs. Obama, Let It Go

GREAT post!! Every single one of us has something difficult to overcome, endure, and experience. Holding onto bitterness only hurts you and holds you back!

Springtime Fun!

Nothing says warm weather like a fire in the fire pit with marshmallows, graham crackers and hershey bars with my nieces, my kids and my best friend…..LOVE living in the country!!

If Only

One day, a little over a year ago I decided to help out at work and stay for a partial double shift.  I left work at 10pm and it was a weekday so there was little traffic.  Once I get off the highway, it is roughly a 5 mile drive on regular roads that eventually turn into winding country roads.

As I drove, I noticed that I was the only car on the road.  Suddenly, an ambulance was coming up behind me.  I pulled over and noted that, the only time this particular ambulance comes into our area, is when something is really bad.  They are armed with amazing paramedics who are also firefighters.  I remember wondering why on earth were they passing me, the only car on the road, with lights and horns blaring because they generally don’t use their sirens and horns unless it is daytime, as to not wake up all the residents.

They passed me and turned up towards my house so, the Mother in me panicked a little because my kids were home alone.  I drove home and found my kids safe and sound.  My daughter sleeping and my son waiting for me so we could talk…he loves talking to me.  I just couldn’t shake the feeling of unease at the odd behavior of that ambulance.

The next morning I found out why.  A young man had been shot and killed around the corner from my house.  Things like that don’t happen where I live.  When later in the day they identified him, I was stunned. I knew him.  When I was married he was in our group of friends.  I had not seen him in 10 years because his life took a wrong path,  He got into drugs and alcohol and eventually served a small amount of time in jail.  That was not the Greg I knew.  The Greg I knew was into cooking and had a constant smile on is face.  The Greg I knew loved his Mom with abandon, and made no secret of it.

My ex-husband called me and told me the details.  Greg had probably gotten drunk and then got his hands on a gun.  His step-father ran from the home and called the police from a neighbors home.  The police came and Greg was outside waving the gun around.  The police shot him in the chest three times…the ambulance was unnecessary.

My ex-husband had seen Greg shortly before this incident.  They talked a little and Greg told him he was living at home and getting his life together.  He never mentioned is Mom.  I later found out that Greg’s Mom had died literally a few hours before the police killed him.  She had cancer, and knowing Greg the way I did, he probably felt like he lost everything that day.  I wish every day that is was me who ran into Greg instead of My ex-husband.  If he ran into me, the first thing he would have done was told me about his Mother.  We would have exchanged numbers and made plans to get together.  I would have hugged im and let him know he was not alone.  I honestly don’t think if it was me who bumped into him he would have died.  I carry that with me.

I moved recently.  Now, if I go outside to get my mail, I can look over and see the exact place where he died.  I can see that his step-father recently sold the car Greg loved so much.  It is a constant reminder of how if things went slightly differently,  I might be sitting here with Greg drinking a cup of coffee.  I would have been a friend to him that he could count on.  I would be a friend who knew how much his Mother meant to him.  If only he ran into me that day.  Sometimes I hate the way life works.

Nurse Humor is Not For The Faint of Heart

The one thing most Nurses have in common is a wildly inappropriate sense of humor.  We share that with Police, Paramedics, EMS, Paramedics and Firefighters.  To the lay person some of the comments we make are met with horror.  On the one hand, we are among the most caring and selfless people on earth.  On the other hand, we have to censor ourselves among the lay people.  I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me, “OMG, I can’t believe you just said that”.  I have to be extremely careful on dates.  I basically have to act like a normal person, which poses a challenge for me because I have been a Nurse since I was 19 years old.  When my kids were younger, I was constantly waiting for that phone call from school telling me one of my kids said something that they thought was funny but, the teacher thought they needed a visit with the school psychologist.

Now, I am not going to lie and say that watching a lay persons jaw drop by something I’ve said, isn’t enjoyable to me at times.  In fact, it makes me laugh even harder.  I know that’s a whole new level of inappropriateness.  I can’t help it.  It’s fun.

The things Nurses say are generally uttered under our breath so that no one is hurt by our comments.  We are masters of holding our composure until we are in a place where we can bust out laughing to the point of not being able to breath.   Our humor is never intended to hurt anyone.  It is a well-known defense mechanism designed to make all of the tragedy we encounter on a daily basis more tolerable.  When you come home from a tough day to your lay person significant other, and talk to them about what you’ve experienced, you know they don’t get it.  They mean well but, there is no way for them to truly comprehend the gravity of what your heart has to endure.

I have seen Nurses cry.  It doesn’t happen often because we are the help, not the ones who need the help.  You learn early that a well-timed joke about something that breaks your heart is a more acceptable outlet.  You don’t want to be labeled as the nurse who cries.  That never ends well.  You literally lose your credibility among your peers.  The eyes begin to roll.

Compassion is a huge part of being a Nurse but, you have to giggle a little when that 40-year-old man comes into the Emergency Room with 7 (SEVEN) pens stuck up his penis and his reason for doing it was because he was mad at his Mom.  It really isn’t funny because there is a very serious problem if someone self harms like that but, if we didn’t laugh and throw one liners we would have to think more about the sadness of the situation.  There isn’t a human alive who can take all that in and remain serious without themselves being psychologically harmed.

So, next time a Nurse tells a story in a room full of lay people, that is intended to be funny, and the room literally goes silent, try to understand that sometimes we forget about how unique our work life experiences are.  Lift up your jaw and fake a bout of laughter.  Know that he or she is just trying to cope.

We have to laugh, otherwise we would cry all day long.

This is what happens when doctors abandon patients

It can happen to anybody……break the stigma!!

All Things Chronic

http://www.pharmaciststeve.com/?p=9929

http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/FBI-Agent-Charged-With-Falsifying-Records-Selling-Stolen-Drugs-297022681.html

Fueled by an addiction to prescription painkillers, Lowry abused heroin from his own drug investigations and in the process botched dozens of cases involving suspected drug traffickers in multiple states, according to details that emerged on Friday, March 20.

The accusations against Lowry, 33, caused federal prosecutors to dismiss charges against at least 28 defendants in drug cases and notify 150 more that Lowry had participated in investigations targeting them, according to charging documents…

Attorney Robert Bonsib said in a statement that in each of 20 incidents involving evidence tampering, Lowry removed small amounts of heroin from evidence packages to self-medicate a long-standing health issue known as ulcerative colitis.

One of Lowry’s doctors had prescribed him powerful pain medications without warning him of how addictive they were, Bonsib said. When his doctor left the practice without notice, Lowry tried to kick the addiction but it was “overpowering” and…

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Police Officers, Doctors, Airline Pilots, Firefighters, and Nurses

What do all those professions have in common?  They help people.  They keep people safe.  Many times, when everyone else is running the other way, they are running towards those who need help.  They are among the bravest, most selfless professions known to man.  Lay people sometimes have no idea the personal sacrifice involved in entering and becoming effective in these professions.  The only reward is that you may have helped someone.  You may have made someone’s life easier.

These professions define who you are.  They are held in reverence by those who hold them.  That piece of paper, your license, holds more meaning, than anyone who doesn’t have one, could ever begin to understand.  Losing it is like losing a big part of yourself.   Imagine that part of who you are is being dangled over your head or living in constant fear of losing it.  Losing a part of you in the blink of an eye.  That is what happens to a substance impaired worker in a helping profession.  We are taught to treat our patients and the public with respect and kindness but, when it is one of us, all of that goes out the window and we are treated harshly and without regard to our own personal safety.  Who in their right mind would self report if they knew that was going to be the result…years of emotional torment.

The fact of the matter is that we are all human.  We all experience loss, betrayal, pain, grief, and so much more.  We all have moments in life where we fall apart…where stress gets the best of us….we experience depression, anxiety, and drug and alcohol abuse.  Society excuses most professions when substance abuse becomes an issue, in order to get the help they need with little or no questions.  Except when you are, a Police Officer, Doctor, Airline Pilot, Firefighter, and Nurse.  I will used alcohol abuse as an example.  The accountant comes to work drunk.  In most cases, he is given the option of treatment and if he takes the option and successfully completes rehabilitation, can return to work without severe ramifications….after all, he is only human.  Now, I will tell you what happens to the, “the helping professions”.

Police officer comes to work drunk

He is most often fired.  Sometimes arrested.  Generally, blacklisted and unable to get another job as a police officer.  Public humiliation comes in the form of calling the local news agency and tipping them off (they have the discretion not to do this).  Their pride at being a Police officer gone in a second….the shame weighing on them is too much for any one person to carry.  Their Badge and gun taken from them…..that has to be the most gut wrenching feeling.  To walk away without something that defines you at such a deep level.  There is little thought of their own personal safety.

Nurse comes to work drunk

In most cases the Nurse is fired and then has to fight for her licence and is then at the mercy of poorly trained people to oversee their recovery.  They are mocked and degraded by those who oversee their recover, their bosses and coworkers (if they are lucky enough to find another job) and the whole thing is put online for anyone to google.  Some are arrested against the advice of the Department of Public Health.  Public humiliation.  Most suffer from PTSD…not from the alcohol or drug abuse but, from the abuse and humiliation showered on them after they are caught under the influence…long after they stop using the drugs.  Actually, it follows you until you are old and grey and stop renewing your license or if you die.  On a personal level I have, as an experiment, applied for hundreds of jobs.  I have incredible experience as a Nurse and used to be sought after for jobs.  Now, the prospective employer looks up my license and never even bothers to call me.  They don’t even bother to understand my side of the story….it is discrimination at its best.

Firefighter comes to work drunk  

Read Police officer  story above.  Firefighters are generally treated better except in cases of relapse or getting into a drunk driving accident.  Those things are unforgivable offenses.  They are left with nothing.  The profession they love gone in a heartbeat with no hope of redemption.  The greatest source of pride stripped from them.  The brotherhood of firefighters stands beside them but, the administration does not.

Doctor comes to work drunk

News spreads quickly through the entire hospital.  Said Doctor, is asked to leave and not come back pending an internal investigation.  Little or no help or human kindness are offered.  The News reporters are called under the guise of protecting the public from this , “Monster”.  Public humiliation.  The Doctor is put into a program hand-picked by the Department of Public Health (much the same as nurses are) and left at the mercy of ill-trained, ill-intentioned power-hungry animals with anything but the Physicians best interest at heart.  Their pride is ripped from them by one single moment.  Countless physicians have committed suicide unable to withstand being abandoned by their colleagues and their profession….unable to withstand the shame.

Airline Pilot comes to work drunk

He is arrested at the gate.  The News agencies are called and they do anything they can to sensationalize it.  Extreme public humiliation.The pilot is put into a program and grounded for no less than a year.  They lose friends, loved ones, material possessions and their pride.  They now not only have to deal with recovery, they have to deal with criminal charges.  They have to fight and fight to get reinstated long after they have done all they need to do to recover.

Doing the hard work to obtain a license in any of these professions requires immeasurable dedication and skill.  That license becomes vitally important and intensely linked to who you are as a person.  It is a source of pride.  Falling into the grasp of drug or alcohol addiction and having that license put into jeopardy is the most horrific feeling in the world.  I know this from personal experience.  The humiliating way in which ‘recovery’ is structured within these professions is worse than the addiction itself.   The shame brings you to a low in depression you never thought possible.  Suicide and suicidal thoughts are common.  The burden placed on the ‘helping professions’ is enormous.  Meanwhile, the accountant is allowed to deal with their issues in privacy.

Some of you may disagree with what I have said here but, keep this in mind.  One in ten of us will fall victim to alcoholism or addiction.  The only thing worse than an impaired caregiver getting caught and treated, is the impaired caregiver who is so afraid to get caught because of the extremely punitive nature of the treatment and public humiliation they will receive, that they don’t go forward voluntarily to get the help that they need and go on to hurt the very people they vowed to help.  A caregiver should not go on to suffer from PTSD from the treatment they received for substance abuse at the hands of the department of public health or the department of public safety.

We know enough about addiction to do things better for our caregivers.  It’s a matter of public safety.  If an impaired caregiver goes undetected then the lives of those they care for could potentially be in danger.  The life of the caregiver could be in danger.  It serves no purpose to treat our caregivers like criminals and degrade and demean them for the disease of addiction. It puts them at risk of suicide.   It’s a matter of treating our caregivers the same way we are expected to treat our patients….with kindness, love, understanding, and dignity.

Need Signatures: Please Sign Petition and Call (617-727-6200) MA State Auditor Suzanne Bump to Demand Audit of Corrupt Physician Health Services and the MA BORM Physician Health and Compliance Unit

This guy is AMAZING!!!! Persistence pays off!!!

Disrupted Physician

The Petition can be found here.  Or better yet, sign the petition and call her at 617-727-6200.   The evidence that Physician Health Services, Inc. (PHS) is committing crimes has been free-floating for the past two years.   It has been posted on Reddit, Twitter, Facebook, Linkedin, blogged, faxed, and phoned.  The response?  Absolute silence.

The procedural, ethical and criminal violations are clear and many.     The incontrovertible evidence has been directly delivered to individuals who can and should address this but for some reason do not.  This is not a matter of opinion folks but a matter of fact.    Time and time again we hear of  egregious misconduct hidden for decades because of  cognitive dissonance and blinkered apathy.

What evidentiary standard is required for action?   Over the past three years and under a lot of duress I have obtained indefensible documentary prima facie  

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This is SOOOOOO Me!!!!

I can’t even count all times the times I’ve picked myself up, dusted myself off, found a mirror, APPLIED LIPSTICK and walked straight into the next life challenge!!!