If Only

One day, a little over a year ago I decided to help out at work and stay for a partial double shift.  I left work at 10pm and it was a weekday so there was little traffic.  Once I get off the highway, it is roughly a 5 mile drive on regular roads that eventually turn into winding country roads.

As I drove, I noticed that I was the only car on the road.  Suddenly, an ambulance was coming up behind me.  I pulled over and noted that, the only time this particular ambulance comes into our area, is when something is really bad.  They are armed with amazing paramedics who are also firefighters.  I remember wondering why on earth were they passing me, the only car on the road, with lights and horns blaring because they generally don’t use their sirens and horns unless it is daytime, as to not wake up all the residents.

They passed me and turned up towards my house so, the Mother in me panicked a little because my kids were home alone.  I drove home and found my kids safe and sound.  My daughter sleeping and my son waiting for me so we could talk…he loves talking to me.  I just couldn’t shake the feeling of unease at the odd behavior of that ambulance.

The next morning I found out why.  A young man had been shot and killed around the corner from my house.  Things like that don’t happen where I live.  When later in the day they identified him, I was stunned. I knew him.  When I was married he was in our group of friends.  I had not seen him in 10 years because his life took a wrong path,  He got into drugs and alcohol and eventually served a small amount of time in jail.  That was not the Greg I knew.  The Greg I knew was into cooking and had a constant smile on is face.  The Greg I knew loved his Mom with abandon, and made no secret of it.

My ex-husband called me and told me the details.  Greg had probably gotten drunk and then got his hands on a gun.  His step-father ran from the home and called the police from a neighbors home.  The police came and Greg was outside waving the gun around.  The police shot him in the chest three times…the ambulance was unnecessary.

My ex-husband had seen Greg shortly before this incident.  They talked a little and Greg told him he was living at home and getting his life together.  He never mentioned is Mom.  I later found out that Greg’s Mom had died literally a few hours before the police killed him.  She had cancer, and knowing Greg the way I did, he probably felt like he lost everything that day.  I wish every day that is was me who ran into Greg instead of My ex-husband.  If he ran into me, the first thing he would have done was told me about his Mother.  We would have exchanged numbers and made plans to get together.  I would have hugged im and let him know he was not alone.  I honestly don’t think if it was me who bumped into him he would have died.  I carry that with me.

I moved recently.  Now, if I go outside to get my mail, I can look over and see the exact place where he died.  I can see that his step-father recently sold the car Greg loved so much.  It is a constant reminder of how if things went slightly differently,  I might be sitting here with Greg drinking a cup of coffee.  I would have been a friend to him that he could count on.  I would be a friend who knew how much his Mother meant to him.  If only he ran into me that day.  Sometimes I hate the way life works.

Nurse Humor is Not For The Faint of Heart

The one thing most Nurses have in common is a wildly inappropriate sense of humor.  We share that with Police, Paramedics, EMS, Paramedics and Firefighters.  To the lay person some of the comments we make are met with horror.  On the one hand, we are among the most caring and selfless people on earth.  On the other hand, we have to censor ourselves among the lay people.  I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me, “OMG, I can’t believe you just said that”.  I have to be extremely careful on dates.  I basically have to act like a normal person, which poses a challenge for me because I have been a Nurse since I was 19 years old.  When my kids were younger, I was constantly waiting for that phone call from school telling me one of my kids said something that they thought was funny but, the teacher thought they needed a visit with the school psychologist.

Now, I am not going to lie and say that watching a lay persons jaw drop by something I’ve said, isn’t enjoyable to me at times.  In fact, it makes me laugh even harder.  I know that’s a whole new level of inappropriateness.  I can’t help it.  It’s fun.

The things Nurses say are generally uttered under our breath so that no one is hurt by our comments.  We are masters of holding our composure until we are in a place where we can bust out laughing to the point of not being able to breath.   Our humor is never intended to hurt anyone.  It is a well-known defense mechanism designed to make all of the tragedy we encounter on a daily basis more tolerable.  When you come home from a tough day to your lay person significant other, and talk to them about what you’ve experienced, you know they don’t get it.  They mean well but, there is no way for them to truly comprehend the gravity of what your heart has to endure.

I have seen Nurses cry.  It doesn’t happen often because we are the help, not the ones who need the help.  You learn early that a well-timed joke about something that breaks your heart is a more acceptable outlet.  You don’t want to be labeled as the nurse who cries.  That never ends well.  You literally lose your credibility among your peers.  The eyes begin to roll.

Compassion is a huge part of being a Nurse but, you have to giggle a little when that 40-year-old man comes into the Emergency Room with 7 (SEVEN) pens stuck up his penis and his reason for doing it was because he was mad at his Mom.  It really isn’t funny because there is a very serious problem if someone self harms like that but, if we didn’t laugh and throw one liners we would have to think more about the sadness of the situation.  There isn’t a human alive who can take all that in and remain serious without themselves being psychologically harmed.

So, next time a Nurse tells a story in a room full of lay people, that is intended to be funny, and the room literally goes silent, try to understand that sometimes we forget about how unique our work life experiences are.  Lift up your jaw and fake a bout of laughter.  Know that he or she is just trying to cope.

We have to laugh, otherwise we would cry all day long.

Police Officers, Doctors, Airline Pilots, Firefighters, and Nurses

What do all those professions have in common?  They help people.  They keep people safe.  Many times, when everyone else is running the other way, they are running towards those who need help.  They are among the bravest, most selfless professions known to man.  Lay people sometimes have no idea the personal sacrifice involved in entering and becoming effective in these professions.  The only reward is that you may have helped someone.  You may have made someone’s life easier.

These professions define who you are.  They are held in reverence by those who hold them.  That piece of paper, your license, holds more meaning, than anyone who doesn’t have one, could ever begin to understand.  Losing it is like losing a big part of yourself.   Imagine that part of who you are is being dangled over your head or living in constant fear of losing it.  Losing a part of you in the blink of an eye.  That is what happens to a substance impaired worker in a helping profession.  We are taught to treat our patients and the public with respect and kindness but, when it is one of us, all of that goes out the window and we are treated harshly and without regard to our own personal safety.  Who in their right mind would self report if they knew that was going to be the result…years of emotional torment.

The fact of the matter is that we are all human.  We all experience loss, betrayal, pain, grief, and so much more.  We all have moments in life where we fall apart…where stress gets the best of us….we experience depression, anxiety, and drug and alcohol abuse.  Society excuses most professions when substance abuse becomes an issue, in order to get the help they need with little or no questions.  Except when you are, a Police Officer, Doctor, Airline Pilot, Firefighter, and Nurse.  I will used alcohol abuse as an example.  The accountant comes to work drunk.  In most cases, he is given the option of treatment and if he takes the option and successfully completes rehabilitation, can return to work without severe ramifications….after all, he is only human.  Now, I will tell you what happens to the, “the helping professions”.

Police officer comes to work drunk

He is most often fired.  Sometimes arrested.  Generally, blacklisted and unable to get another job as a police officer.  Public humiliation comes in the form of calling the local news agency and tipping them off (they have the discretion not to do this).  Their pride at being a Police officer gone in a second….the shame weighing on them is too much for any one person to carry.  Their Badge and gun taken from them…..that has to be the most gut wrenching feeling.  To walk away without something that defines you at such a deep level.  There is little thought of their own personal safety.

Nurse comes to work drunk

In most cases the Nurse is fired and then has to fight for her licence and is then at the mercy of poorly trained people to oversee their recovery.  They are mocked and degraded by those who oversee their recover, their bosses and coworkers (if they are lucky enough to find another job) and the whole thing is put online for anyone to google.  Some are arrested against the advice of the Department of Public Health.  Public humiliation.  Most suffer from PTSD…not from the alcohol or drug abuse but, from the abuse and humiliation showered on them after they are caught under the influence…long after they stop using the drugs.  Actually, it follows you until you are old and grey and stop renewing your license or if you die.  On a personal level I have, as an experiment, applied for hundreds of jobs.  I have incredible experience as a Nurse and used to be sought after for jobs.  Now, the prospective employer looks up my license and never even bothers to call me.  They don’t even bother to understand my side of the story….it is discrimination at its best.

Firefighter comes to work drunk  

Read Police officer  story above.  Firefighters are generally treated better except in cases of relapse or getting into a drunk driving accident.  Those things are unforgivable offenses.  They are left with nothing.  The profession they love gone in a heartbeat with no hope of redemption.  The greatest source of pride stripped from them.  The brotherhood of firefighters stands beside them but, the administration does not.

Doctor comes to work drunk

News spreads quickly through the entire hospital.  Said Doctor, is asked to leave and not come back pending an internal investigation.  Little or no help or human kindness are offered.  The News reporters are called under the guise of protecting the public from this , “Monster”.  Public humiliation.  The Doctor is put into a program hand-picked by the Department of Public Health (much the same as nurses are) and left at the mercy of ill-trained, ill-intentioned power-hungry animals with anything but the Physicians best interest at heart.  Their pride is ripped from them by one single moment.  Countless physicians have committed suicide unable to withstand being abandoned by their colleagues and their profession….unable to withstand the shame.

Airline Pilot comes to work drunk

He is arrested at the gate.  The News agencies are called and they do anything they can to sensationalize it.  Extreme public humiliation.The pilot is put into a program and grounded for no less than a year.  They lose friends, loved ones, material possessions and their pride.  They now not only have to deal with recovery, they have to deal with criminal charges.  They have to fight and fight to get reinstated long after they have done all they need to do to recover.

Doing the hard work to obtain a license in any of these professions requires immeasurable dedication and skill.  That license becomes vitally important and intensely linked to who you are as a person.  It is a source of pride.  Falling into the grasp of drug or alcohol addiction and having that license put into jeopardy is the most horrific feeling in the world.  I know this from personal experience.  The humiliating way in which ‘recovery’ is structured within these professions is worse than the addiction itself.   The shame brings you to a low in depression you never thought possible.  Suicide and suicidal thoughts are common.  The burden placed on the ‘helping professions’ is enormous.  Meanwhile, the accountant is allowed to deal with their issues in privacy.

Some of you may disagree with what I have said here but, keep this in mind.  One in ten of us will fall victim to alcoholism or addiction.  The only thing worse than an impaired caregiver getting caught and treated, is the impaired caregiver who is so afraid to get caught because of the extremely punitive nature of the treatment and public humiliation they will receive, that they don’t go forward voluntarily to get the help that they need and go on to hurt the very people they vowed to help.  A caregiver should not go on to suffer from PTSD from the treatment they received for substance abuse at the hands of the department of public health or the department of public safety.

We know enough about addiction to do things better for our caregivers.  It’s a matter of public safety.  If an impaired caregiver goes undetected then the lives of those they care for could potentially be in danger.  The life of the caregiver could be in danger.  It serves no purpose to treat our caregivers like criminals and degrade and demean them for the disease of addiction. It puts them at risk of suicide.   It’s a matter of treating our caregivers the same way we are expected to treat our patients….with kindness, love, understanding, and dignity.

All Children are My Children

I am a Nurse. I am a Mother.  I take care of people for a Living and as a choice.  I am the person who notices when a little one has wandered out of place.  I am the one who confronts the Parent who abuses their child in Walmart.  I am THAT Mother.

My heart breaks for any child that goes without love, food or safety.  I watch the news and I cry for all the children in the world who are not being cared for or have been put in harms way.  I am the Mom who feels that it is the job of every single adult in this earth to care for our children, keep them safe, never harm them.

Today, while watching the heartbreaking coverage of NYPD’s Officer Ramos funeral I watched his family.  His Wife stunned, thrown into single parenthood on what was supposed to be a routine day in their family’s life.  His college age son, torn between being an 18 year old who just lost his beloved Father and trying to comfort and care for his Mother as the new Man of the house.  His 13 year old son thrown into a turmoil 100 times worse than the regular turmoil any 13 year old goes though at that difficult age.

Surrounded by a Sea of Blue and an incredible showing of love and support the three of them still looked so lost.  My heart broke into a million pieces for them because I know that only time will ease the grief they are now feeling but, nothing will ever fill the hole in their hearts that such a senseless act of violence has caused.  An act of violence caused by a mentally ill young man who’s Mother is also grieving tonight.  A Mother who tried to get help for her son from our completely broken Mental Health System.  Another child failed by us.

I don’t blame the protests but, it would be irresponsible to say that the anti-Police rhetoric that saturated the airwaves did not contribute to triggering this young Man to travel to Brooklyn and assassinate two innocent Police Officers.  Mentally ill people who have exhibited violent tendencies invariably have triggers that escalate their behavior.  We fail our children on so many levels and now two boys have to live the rest of their lives without a Father.  If we are not going to care for our mentally ill then we need to be very careful about what we, as adults, do and say.  I am all for Police reform.  I am not at all for chanting, “What do we want- dead Cops, When do we want them-now”.  I am not for blatant disrespect of Police Officers.  I am not for attempting to harm Police Officers.  I am not for rioting or looting.  I am not for burning buildings.  I am not for destruction of property.  When all of that happens the message is lost.  All of this could have been handled in an adult, responsible manner.  The media in our country is repulsive.  To say they did not contribute in a big way to this tragedy would be incomprehensible to me.

There are now millions of children of Police Officers in this country who are terrified each time their Mothers or Fathers go to work.  Yes, all lives do matter.  I am the first person to say that and live that but, how are we going to reassure all of these children?  How are we going to make sure they are OK?  How are we going to make sure they don’t go into an emotional tailspin as they watch the news and know that their parent is hated based solely by their profession?  If you go to a bad Doctor do you protest and incite violence against ALL Doctors?  I think not.

Social Media is full of hate.  The messages I read on Twitter the day of the assassination took my breath away.  The hatred expressed was heart wrenching to read.  A good portion of it was posted by young people….young people who have be failed by the adults in this country.  I would be horrified if one of my children posted anything like that…no matter what age they are.  I raised them differently than that.

Hate is never the answer and it always makes any situation worse.  If anything, we need a call out to all adults to take care of all our children.  If you notice one thing about this post notice there is no anger in it.  There is only sadness…profound sadness.

This man said it best-

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that”

Martin Luther King,Jr.