My Sisters…….

 

So many things are happening around me to the people I love.  I spent the day with my best friend from High School who lost her son in October.  I feel good that she knows she can tell me anything, no matter how dark, about what she is going through and she knows that somehow I get it….I guess that’s how it is with someone you’ve known since you were 15.  I love that girl like she is my sister.  Losing is child is a journey that will not end for her until she breathes her last breath.  I loved her son…I can still see is beautiful smile.  It still doesn’t feel real that he is gone.  I talk to her about him…people avoid doing that with parents who have lost their child in an attempt to save them from feeling more pain but, they do want to talk.  I get that now.

My sister called me tonight.  Since she found out she had cancer she isolated herself from almost everyone.  I have been calling, leaving messages, and texting her daily just to let her know I am here.  When I saw he name of an incoming phone call I was so relieved.  We talked for hours.  She has seemed to come out of the fog that has been surrounding her and I am grateful for that.  She has 2 years of treatments ahead of her.   She will survive this.

My youngest sister is facing a divorce of her own doing.  I feel for her but, she made it happen.  Her husband is not a perfect man but, he did love her.  She threw it away in favor of her drug abuse.  she started out with prescription drugs but, I have no idea what it has escalated to.  I tried for years and years to get her help.  I tried every trick in the book.  Nothing worked.  I just told her how much I love her and that I am here for her if she needed to get help.  That is all I can do.  My baby sister.

My middle sister is in a mess of her own.  Because of her neglect of my beautiful niece my 15-year-old niece is pregnant.  I am in shock.  My sister’s life has been spiraling out of control for 2 years since the father of he daughters suddenly died.  I have tried everything to help her, too.  She doesn’t want my help and now hates me because I called child protective services on her for the neglect.  She is involved with a horrible man.  After a million phone calls to DCF I finally got them to get a court order keeping him away from my nieces.  That only made my sister practically move out of the apartment she shared with my nieces and into the horrible man’s place.  That left 2 young teens with free reign to do whatever they felt like doing….like any teen would be thrilled to do and DCF did nothing to stop it even though the girls had plenty of good, safe place to be.  Now my niece, who held so much promise in her life with her beautiful mind and kind heart will be a mother by Christmas.  I tried for 2 years to get my sister the help she needed.

Then there are my two.  My Son and Daughter.  The two of them best friends.  I love to listen to them talk when I am in another room.  I wanted them to be close and they are.  My son on the dean’s list in college….starting his third year in september.  My baby girl just got her first job.  Taking 3 AP classes in her senior year of high school.  Both of them ready to take on the world.  Both of them doing what it takes to build their lives.  If you talk to them they will tell you that I had nothing to do with the direction they are headed in.  When they say that I bite my tongue.  I stop myself from telling them how hard I worked to keep them on the right track.  Maybe they will realize that when they are older.

My sisters are a mess.  Right now, I am like a bird without my wings.  When I cry I cry alone.  No one holds me.  no one tells me it’s going to be ok.  This is not the first time in this position for me.  What makes me hold on are my children.  I have held on for them through seemingly insurmountable situations in the past and I will continue to do so.  I have to.  I love them so deeply and completely.

While at the time I am a helpless Sister, I am a devoted Mother and no one can take that away from me.

 

 

 

 

 

Watch “Roberta Flack – First Time Ever I Saw Your Face 1972” on YouTube

This song is so incredibly beautiful.  When I hear it I think of the first time I saw the beautiful faces of my two precious children and I can’t get through it without my eyes filling with tears.

Love is the most precious gift in life.

Treasured Moments

Last night, as I sat on the couch watching TV, my beautiful daughter joined me.  She sat next to me and lay her head in my lap and we talked as I played with her hair.  We talked about her friends, school, summer, and giggled about various things.

I felt like my heart would burst with my love for her.  How often does a 16 year old girl connect so closely with her Mom?  The beauty of that moment is something I will treasure for the rest of my life because that is what life is about.  It is not about money, fame, material possessions.   It is about love.  Without love, life has no meaning.

Love is everywhere you turn.  It is a dog jumping for joy each time you walk into the house.  It is the stranger who holds the door for a new Mom, struggling to navigate a stroller with her precious cargo through a door.  It is a smile to a stranger who, unknowing to you, is going through the most terrible time in their life.  It is that conversation in the check out line, with someone who has no one to talk to.

The opportunities to give love are endless.  Giving love feels almost better than receiving it.  In a world that is filled with images of horror, we often forget that there is so much good in the world.  The best thing anyone can do is to raise their children showing them by example how to give love and give love often.  My kids have been raised by a Mom who has always stopped to help a person in need, given food to a hungry person even though I could hardly afford to, been that Nurse who always goes that extra mile to make sure my patients emotional needs are as well cared for as their medical needs.  That is all they know.

The result of my kindness to others has created two amazingly kind people who, as my legacy, will be kind to others.  Being a Mom is clearly the most important job in the world.  I relish the fact that being a loving Mother will be my only, most important, contribution to the world.

On the Fourth of July 16 years ago, I stood looking out the window at the fireworks in a hospital room.  In my arms was my beautiful daughter, born only a few hours earlier.  She had a head full of auburn hair that stuck straight up and a tiny, gorgeous little face.  We stood there in a moment of complete love for one another.  That moment lives on in my memory, in detail, every second etched in my mind and heart for eternity.

To this day, every moment spent with my baby girl makes my heart swell.  I love everything about her.  I love the person she has become.  She is strong, independent, intelligent, and has no problem calling people out on their bad behavior.  She loves the people who love her fiercely.

I treasure every fiber of her being.

So, Happy Sweet Sixteen to the true love of my life….my beautiful, heart and soul, Daughter.  As I have told her so many times over the years, I love her to the moon and back a gazillion times over and over.  Each time I told her those words, I meant the from deep inside my heart.

That is love.

Taking Care of Yourself During Bouts of Mental Illness …Depression and Anxiety

GREAT advice for single parents who tend to beat themselves up when depression or anxiety hit rather than take care of themselves!

GentleKindness

Anxiety  and depression  will wear on your body. When you can feel  a downward spiral  coming on, take extra care of your body.

Getting  extra rest is very important.  Also be forgiving  of yourself,  if you have trouble keeping track of what you are doing  and remembering  things.

Lack of sleep will affect your memory and so will depression and anxiety.  If you are having  a combination of insomnia, depression  or anxiety,  then your brain will not be working  so well to remember  day to day things.

Try to make lists and write things down that you need to remember.  Getting  stressed out over not remembering  will make you feel worse and will make your memory worse.

Be kind to yourself, as if you were caring for a friend with mental illness. Take baths or showers, so you feel clean. Change the sheets on your bed, so that  you feel…

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Hysterical Misunderstanding

What I am about to tell you happened when my son was in fourth grade, and to this day it leaves us both laughing to the point of tears and not being able to breathe.  One day my son came home with a permission slip to be signed by me for him to attend sex education classes.  I read the paper and asked him if he wanted me to do the sex education or if he wanted to have it in school.  I wanted to leave it up to him.  We talked about it and he told me he would attend the class in school.  Nothing seemed amiss.  I signed the slip and he went to school the next day just like normal.

The sex education classes started the next week so when he came home that day I asked him if he had any questions or wanted to talk about anything.  He just looked at me strangely.  After much prodding, he finally told me that he had told the other boys in his class that I wanted to teach him sex education but, he thought that was weird so he decided to let the gym teachers show them.  Knowing my son, I thought that comment was a little off.  Upon further discussion with him, I found out that when I asked him that day if he wanted me to teach him sex education he thought I was going to SHOW him how to have sex!!!  He was walking around for a week HORRIFIED!  He told his friends this!  He then told me that he told the other boys that the gym teachers were going to SHOW them how to have sex!

Of course, I corrected him and just sat there waiting for a call from the school because one of the boys went home and told their parents what he said.  I cleaned up the house and stocked the fridge just waiting for child protective services to knock on my door.  I thought about calling the school and explaining the situation but, decided to wait it out.

Thankfully, no one called or came and life went back to normal.  The thought of that little 9-year-old kid walking around for weeks thinking his own Mom offered to show him how to have sex and that he figured the gym teachers doing it would be the lesser evil ,probably shouldn’t  leave me in hysterics but, it does!

I wonder if that scarred him for life.  I would ask him but, I can’t talk about it without laughing so hard my mascara runs and I can’t breathe……almost 10 years later!

I blame it on Nurse humor.

The Ring That Holds All My Love

Recently, someone asked me about my Mother.  I began to think about my younger years.  We lived in a beautiful cul-de-sac in the 70’s.  We had lots of friends…were always outside climbing trees and catching frogs.  We lived behind a farm and they would put the cow bones into the soil of a cornfield.  We would often search for bones in that field for bones…our goal was to rebuild an entire cow.  We rode our bikes and had to have our names screamed by all of our parents to get inside and take a bath at dusk.  Our days were carefree and filled with adventure.  It was a relief for all of us to be away from our homes.  Some of those beautiful houses were filled with ugliness that betrayed their exterior.  My house was one of those.  I have great memories of my childhood but, none of them happened in our home…not one.

Things started out well enough.  My parents had bought a house in the suburbs, and our family was growing…maybe a little too fast.  My Mother had 4 daughters by the time she was 26 years old.  At first she made matching Easter dresses for all of us…cooked dinner every night and kept a clean house.  She loved to decorate and always had a project.  But, as our family grew, the weight of it seemed to bury her.  At that time there was no such thing as depression so, there was no treatment or even recognition that there was a problem.  The Mother I knew as amazing left us after only a few years.  She became angry and spent most of her days in bed as her four daughters raised themselves.

I don’t remember ever being held, hugged or having someone tell me they loved me.  When my Father came home we scattered in order to avoid his wrath.  Something as simple as dragging my fork across my teeth as I ate dinner, earned me having my chair being shoved violently into the kitchen table.  I hated it that my place at the table was next to my Father…he found fault in everything I did.  My older sister and I were in charge of cleaning the kitchen table after dinner at the ages of 6 and 7.  I remember one piece of rice was found on the floor and all hell broke loose.  We were chased, beaten and made to go to our rooms for the night.  I think of that now and am amazed at the extreme response over one grain of rice.

My Mother was a stay-at-home Mom.  I don’t remember interacting with her at all the way you would interact with your Mother.  I remember three things.  The night she got frustrated at me for not cleaning myself well enough in the bathtub and went and got a box of SOS pads and violently scrubbed my entire body with them….I was 4 years old.

The second thing I remember, happened when I was six.  I have no idea what I had done to make my Mother pull me up an entire flight of stairs by my hair.  I think of that now…imagine it.  I still vividly remember every second of it.  When I got up the stairs I ran and locked myself in the bathroom for hours.  I sat at the open window and listened to the other children play outside.  I stayed there until my sisters came back into the house.  I never told a soul what she had done to me that day and she acted like it never happened.

The third memory happened when my Mother was on the phone one night in another room.  My three sisters and I were talking and laughing and suddenly my infuriated Mother came into the room with a yard stick.  My younger sisters scattered but, I stayed.  She beat me with that yardstick so many times until it broke into pieces.

I learned to try to stay invisible in my own home.  That pretty little house had become my personal hell.  I loved going to school and never missed a day because I felt safe there.  I did not have the love of a Mother or Father.  My life was consumed with avoiding both of them at all cost.

My Grandmother was my lifeline.  She would come and spend most weekends with us and that would be the only time I was safe in my own home.  My parents wouldn’t dare touch us with her there.  She taught me to play war and slap jack.  We sat and drank tea and she painted my nails.  She showed me how to love someone.  I wear her ring on my right hand at all times as a symbol of her love.  I feel like she is always with me.  She died of breast cancer when I was 12 years old.  At the wake I remember staring at her willing her to wake up….I stared at her the entire time…for hours.   At the funeral, it hit me that she was gone.  I sobbed uncontrollably, and not one adult even put a hand on my shoulder as comfort.  That was the moment I knew I was alone in the world.  What a thing for a 12-year-old little girl to feel.

My life went downhill from there.  My parents had an awful divorce.  My mother remarried a horrible man.  I threw myself into school and my friends.  I slept over my friends houses every weekend to avoid being at my home.

When I was 16 my Mother hit me over the head with a cast iron frying pan.  I went to work that day and broke down crying and my boss, bless her beautiful heart, comforted me and made me call my Father.  My Dad picked me up from work and I packed my things in a brown paper bag and left.   My Mother never said a word to me…not one word.

My Dad’s house wasn’t much better but there was more structure and he provided well for me.  I again threw myself into school and became a Nurse at 20 years-of-age.  I remember thinking at such a young age that I would never live like my parents did.  I was maybe 5 years old when I came to that conclusion.

My Mom had a major CVA at the age of 43.  I was 21.  I moved back in with her to help her.  I did everything I could for her.  She had to sell her house and I got an apartment for her, painted it and moved her in.  I looked out for her and made sure she had everything she needed.  I brought her to Doctor’s appointments and managed her entire divorce from my step-father.  What happened in the past never entered my mind.  She was my Mother and she needed me so, I was there for her.

She ended up getting re-married and moving to Florida where she still resides.  I call er every so often and we never speak of the past.  I tell her I love her because I do.  I know she did her best with what she had….it wasn’t good but, it was the best she could do.

I had my son 8 days before my 31st Birthday.  The second I knew I was pregnant with him, I was madly in love with him.  He is 18 now and I am still madly in love with him.  I hug him and kiss him and tell im I love him every chance I get.  My daughter came just before I turned 34….she was a curious, sweet little girl who insisted on wearing dresses every day.  By the end of the day ,she would always be covered in dirt and I would lovingly give her a bubble bath every night.  I have never once struck my children.  I have never grounded them.  I have never showered them with emotional abuse.  I have lovingly raised them sometimes, under difficult circumstances.

I created a safe place for them.  The least you can do for a child is make them feel safe in their own home.  We are a family of three.  My Grandmother remains in my heart.  She taught me how to love.  Losing her was incredibly tough on me at 12 but, her memory has guided me through my entire life.

I am a Mother who never really had a Mother.  My children know that my love, support, comfort and embrace are always there for them.

Wearing my Grandmother’s ring means more to me than you can imagine.  Both my Children know that meaning.

My Grandmother’s ring holds all the love in my heart.

Quote Of The Day

“The single best thing you can do for your kids is light up when you see them.” –

–Amit Sood MD #MayoClinicRadio

Dating Don’ts for the Single Mom

All single Mom’s should follow these rules!!

The Do It Anyway! Blog

  Who needs a man? I do.

Don’t you just love it when people tell you to focus on yourself and your children and life will be bliss. Well, those folks were likely married, and/or in committed relationships, and (bless their hearts) had no idea what you were going through.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in focusing on my boobas (kiddos) and myself, but at some point you just want to be someone’s special person to love. I’m all smiley faced thinking about “love”. So, what do you do when you’re a single parent AND dating? Well, for one, you take it slow.

Here are a few of my observations on what not to do:

1. Do not make him your husband before time.
You know what I mean. You date him before you introduce him to the kids and you are all smiles. But, he meets your…

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Watch “Seafret – Oceans” on YouTube

A Touching and beautiful video about bullying starring Maisie Williams…….TALK to your teenagers!!!

Your Fatal Error

I walked into the room and was bombarded with lies.

At first, I was shocked and intimidated.

Then, I was enraged.

Then, my mind started to work.

Then, I remembered that I had actual, legal proof that you were lying.

I lost my cool in a big way but, holy fuck did I make my point.

Then, your face turned white.

Everyone in the room knew you were lying.

I almost felt bad for you.  Almost.

When I calmed down, I realized something.

I realized how strong I am.

That’s a good thing.

Because nothing is more difficult that having to pick up the pieces of your own children’s broken hearts.